JINGRUI - Sounds of Color

2011-01-24T00:03:00.001+08:00

God, grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.

2011-01-11T22:27:00.004+08:00

Grandpa's legs were two dark and swollen bolsters. The area from the tip of his toes to his ankle were covered in grotesque bruises. When he got up from the bed, he could barely walk 3 steps before needing support. My family members were sitting around him in a circle. My brother listening to his iPod, my sister reading a book, and i, watching him pitifully, hoping he would get better. He spoke to my dad, who 'lectured' him for not wearing his socks. My grandpa, a firm believer in Chinese medicine, refused to heed the Western doctor's advice. As the topic veered towards our new house, grandpa emphasized on the need for education and money amongst members in my family. I watched him sadly as he talked about how we should take care of each other as a family. After an hour, he waved us away, telling us he did not want to take up so much of our time, as 'young people have their own lives to lead'.

I felt like talking to him, but i barely speak a word of Hokkien. I felt like being there until his last day. My dad was obviously concerned about his health. Doubly concerned with my grandma's health as well. Every weekend his forehead would crease with anxiety, wanting to see them.

I do feel more responsibility towards my family nowadays. I fear making it explicit in case it really comes true.

Well anyway i have more 'resolutions' in addition to my no sleeping in class rule:

Family: join them more often for dinner, share more about myself with them

Grandparents: visit more often

Friends: stay the same, with my circle now with Trix, Anna, Nat Chia, Lynnie, Timo, Pikyy, Gab

2011-01-06T21:59:00.002+08:00

There have been many things on my mind recently. The most pertinent question on my mind would be: Where would i be years from now? Where do i see myself going, what do i see myself doing?

There are many lost people in this world. Am i one of them? Do i truly have the courage to face up to responsibility? What is my role in this world?

But i do feel lost now. The world is so huge. I can't possibly have everything and anything. I need to know what i want. For every choice i make, there is an opportunity cost. But every cost to me seems too enormous to bear.

There are so many practical concerns, so many that it is becoming a sort of weight on my shoulders. Money, parents and family, relationships, studies, work. How am i going to cope?

I do hope that by realizing all these i am one step closer to realizing my future. But it seems like everything is even further away right now. I need to think, think, think!

2011-01-06T21:44:00.003+08:00

The first 3 days of school have been rather uneventful! But they have been uneventful in a nice, pleasant way. That i am not overly tired out and there isn't too much excitement for me to get restless about! I feel more focused this year too. Probably because of the change in teachers. Probably because we are plunging straight into work and without all the play at the start, so i can adjust to work faster and more effectively!

I think i'm a little quieter in school now too. I don't see much need to talk, and can keep my thoughts to myself contentedly. Not saying it's a good or bad thing, but it just is, and i am fine with it. I hope i can continue to stay focused and diligent.

IB results were released today. Our seniors did exceptionally well. Looking down at them from the upper gallery, i suddenly realized that getting 43 points or more is not that tough after all! I want to be contented with my results next year.

Dr. Sakhar was talking about university applications this morning. I have yet to refine my goals for university too. I felt rather lost about that. Soon i would find the courses that i really want. (: But speaking of the future, aye, to say that it is a fuzzy picture would be an understatement. I want to know clearly where i am going, not just studies-wise. I don't want to be reaching into murky waters and grabbing whatever my hands touch. Thinking about it makes me a little confused, and i would need more time to reflect.

2011-01-02T16:15:00.004+08:00

Aye, there is only one word to describe my feelings towards next year.

Scared.

All along i have looked forward to school, all ten years of my schooling life. It gives me something to do and accomplish, gives me friends to talk to. But all of a sudden, i am terrified. Really frightened and paralyzed to the bones.

I don't know what next year has in store for me. Having been through one year in this school, i have learnt so much that has made me afraid of myself even. This is another of those times when i feel like i should just be a hermit. I don't want the stress, the people or the environment anymore. I wish school was my own personal world where only my close friends resided. Where we all helped one another out and looked out for one another. Where there is only warmth and happiness, caring and sharing.

I hope that by the time i venture into next year, my fear would be allayed, and the year would pass without much brouhaha.

resolutions

2010-12-23T22:47:00.002+08:00

If this year could be plotted into a graph, it would be in the shape of a smiley face - down all the way, then up again. I really did abhor the first part of the year, where all the heart aches and confusion took place. I was like a lost sheep following a herd of equally lost sheep, and lost myself in the process. Now that i am slowly gaining myself back, i feel more assured of myself as a person, and i hope to stay this way, or improve on myself even more. I am beginning to love myself as me and not anyone else. It is such a precious lesson to learn. I hope next year would be more stable.

Next year, i hope to:

1) Be true to myself

2) Be more responsible towards myself and others

3) Know my priorities!

4) Be better to tattybear

5) Be a diligent student

Cheers to a better year! (:

2010-11-13T18:28:00.002+08:00

Finally back from Japan, it is good to be home! Missed tattybear so much, can't wait to see him tomorrow. Got many souvenirs for people and i feel good about it! It's nice to have food back in Singapore again. Surprisingly, food in Japan is limited in variety! It's always ramen, udon or curry rice all day, no wonder they say Singapore has lots of variety. The only thing i would want from there would be their weather and beautiful trees of different shades.

2010-10-31T22:52:00.003+08:00

I can only purse my lips as i feel them falling. They are everywhere. On my cheeks, on the tissue. On the table, absorbed by my shirt. But they are not destructive like floods or tsunamis. They merely fall from where they come from and make peace with whatever they touch. Then they evaporate and disappear one by one, quietly, silently.

2010-10-31T22:07:00.001+08:00

I've got a feeling... that this is just the beginning, and that more chaos would ensue before anything is calm again. Even if it is just chaos in my heart.

2010-10-27T21:52:00.000+08:00

Peter Parker: What i want to say.. What i want to say... Is you're right. It's not enough to say that i love you. You can love more than one person. You can love in more than one way. You can love somebody as a friend.

It's not just that I love you, MJ. I need you.

Mary Jane: You don't need me, Peter. You've got all these powers, you were out there doing all these things.

Peter Parker: You're wrong.

I can do "all these things" because you believe in me. Because you give me the strength and the will to get them done. Everything's easier when you're there and harder when you're not. Without you, nothing works the way it should. But when I know you're there, in my life, I feel like I can do an ything, MJ. Anything.

Mary Jane: When I left... When I went away... It was because I was so far outside your life, I could never do anything to help, I could never be a part of what you do, and you could do it so well, that I just.. I didn't think you needed me, peter. That's all I wanted to know, that's all I needed to hear, that you need em, that you...

I was so afraid you didn't need me anymore.

Peter Parker: I do. I love you, MJ. I need you. I'm nothing without you. Come home. Come home to me.

2010-10-18T22:13:00.003+08:00

So how do you know if he's the one? People ask me.

I just know. I don't know how i know, but i just know.

I know it in the duration we've known each other, in the time we spent getting to know each other. I know it in the commitment we have towards each other. I can just feel it, and i know it is mutual. Emotion as a Way of Knowing?

How can you be so sure? They ask.

Because i am. It is like asking a devout Christian, how do you know God is there? And they'll tell you, i just know, because i believe, and i have faith. So likewise, i just know, i just believe and i keep faith. It is what strengthens me.

2010-10-07T19:58:00.001+08:00

I don't really know what to think. Or feel.

2010-09-11T19:10:00.002+08:00

Am i living a meaningful/purposeful life everyday?

I do wonder, what does it mean to me to lead a meaningful life everyday? I guess to me, leading a meaningful life is leading one full of love to give and receive. If you think about it, everyone needs to be loved and accepted. Love changes things. I'm not just talking about romantic love, but love as care and concern, as an act of giving.

I think i've certainly come a long way in learning how to express my concern for others. I wasn't as expressive as this in the past, probably because my parents were never that expressive as well. I never felt so freely in the past either; my emotions were usually trapped inside, and i never let them out, always suppressing them.

I learnt how to show my care and concern through words, asking someone if he/she is okay, learning how to listen without judging or giving advice, learning how to be there for someone and listen to their troubles. I also write notes/letters to friends and loved ones occasionally, just to express appreciation or my feelings for them. I learnt how to show my care and concern through deeds, trying to offer help whenever i can, showing that i am attentive to their needs and wants. Also, i learnt how to be mindful of what others need and want and try to stay in touch with them. I want to know what's happening to them, what's reality to them that's different from me.

I do feel happy about my relationships. I feel happier than i was in the past. I am finally feeling more stabilized, more secure about my relationships with people. I guess it's because i try to be congruent with those around me, especially those whom i with to establish closer ties with. With this honesty i can show my love for them, and they can assure me too.

I wonder if i would have regrets if i were to just pass away now, in the area of my relationships with people. Maybe i would regret not having been congruent with them earlier, because of my own insecurities. Maybe i would regret misunderstanding someone and bearing a grudge. My friendships are all great, but i guess what i could improve on would be my relationships with my family members. I want to communicate with them and have been trying. I do understand their worries and frustrations, i understand their point of view. But i think understanding has to come both ways. I do wish they could understand me better and not see things from only their point of view. I do wish i could tell them honestly what i think and feel sometimes. I do wish they could support me in the things i set my heart on to do. I wish i could be more of myself around them and not be judged so much.

Back to answering the question, i think i do lead a meaningful life, maybe not everyday, and maybe not as fulfilling as i would want it to be. I want to give love to my family, make my family more of a whole. I want to give love to children and make them discover their self worth.

2010-09-04T21:20:00.002+08:00

We are definitely on the bus once more, without any traffic jams, without any delays or annoying honking, without traffic lights which turn red at every corner. We are sailing smoothly down the road, sitting side by side as i have always wished; you holding my hand and fingering my palm with your thumb, heads bent towards each other, trusting each other. I don't know exactly where we are going, but i know roughly our route, and i know that as long as i am with you, i can never be wrong.

2010-08-19T20:36:00.002+08:00

I had an awesome day! It started with people messaging me at midnight to wish me a happy birthday. Songfeng :) timmy, hammy, tim goh, gabriel, zing and pikyy who called me and whom i replied with a very sleepy voice to. I guess lynnie and belly were snoring away. Teehee. Came to school with panda eyes and caught up with sleep on the bus.

Nat Chia hugged me and wished me upon my arrival at school, then kevin wished me too! More random wishes along the way. Belly ninja-ed and put her present into my bag without me knowing! Tim goh gave me a card/letter which made me laugh. RR gave me a little doggy and a handmade card :) Lynnie sent me a msg and also hugged me, along with michelle. Even more random wishes like beck and jasper and jeremy soon.

Then came recess! Jo needed to use the toilet so we all waited for her. Then after we went down she had to go again! I was wondering why all 4 of us had to accompany her to the toilet and sensed something amiss, but didn't bother too much about it. Still felt weird and puzzled but still did not suspect a thing. Silly me! We then walked to the SAC and there i saw a cake greeting me! With part of the OG, mainly lynnie, timmy, andrew, milton, isaac, shil and aakash. Others like char, nat chia, angeline and nad were there too! Cut the cake, ate a piece, took a polaroid and received gifts. Was really touched!

More random wishes, and good news, i finally feel a little integrated into the orchestra, we are having an assessment for SYF!!

2010-08-18T18:37:00.004+08:00

Went over to Songfeng's today. He gave me a birthday card. I was quite surprised, i didn't expect anything. I guess that makes it even more heartwarming. We then started on the scrapbook and i was busy planning the layout when he excused himself to the toilet. Silly me didn't suspect a thing! He was away for quite a long while. And when i heard his footsteps approaching, i heard his voice as well, singing a soft "Happy birthday to you~~" I turned around and there he was, a tiny light shining in front of him, burning from a candle on a cute birthday cake! It was printed with a picture of a tattybear. I was really touched and didn't know what to say! I made a birthday wish and blew out the candle. We then took a picture of it and i cut it so we could share a piece. It is a good day :)

2010-08-10T13:09:00.001+08:00

It was really something to be able to explore Marina Bay Sands and watch the fireworks from the skypark. The skypark was really awesome! I really felt like swimming in the pool; so scenic and pretty. Too bad it was only for residents! If only we had gotten a room there. Ah some time in the future we shall! :)

We were about 57 storeys high; the view was breathtaking. It was really calming to stand there with you beside me, feeling the breeze tickle our cheeks. We waited patiently for the fireworks to come, and when they did, they totally took my breath away. They were so close, and super 3D, like the sparks were flying towards you! I was really happy that night, thank you.

2010-07-22T00:53:00.003+08:00

Lying here with my heart so calm like the waters of the sea during the low tide. Tears streaming down my face to join the bigger pool of my heart. Their paths thread down my face, mapping the contours of my cheek, like us, walking down the path of time. So many events flash in my mind, appearing, disappearing, then drowning, engulfed by the huge waves. More droplets crash down, angry, destructive. Yet again subdued by softer memories too. They become trickles, a tiny river, and finally turn into nothing at all.

2010-07-18T20:30:00.001+08:00

Only pain fills the chambers of my heart. It can only hold this much.

2010-07-15T20:02:00.002+08:00

Sitting here on the bus on a quiet, lonely morning, wishing you were here beside me. Holding me lightly by the waist, pulled close to you. Holding each others hands, your thumb caressing my fingers, as you usually do. No worries in the world, our hearts calm, our faces glowing. Occasionally we would look at each other and smile with our eyes, saying, i am just so in love with you. I want the bus ride to last forever, to be never ending till the very end of time. And we can stay here, in the comfort of each others arms, in bliss.

2010-07-14T21:05:00.000+08:00

I had a good 3.5 hour catch up chat with Nat Chia in the SAC today.

It is refreshing and fulfilling to recconect with close friends. I am grateful to have her.

2010-07-13T21:49:00.000+08:00

Yes, keep moving on.

2010-07-13T20:13:00.000+08:00

I hope we do not move house! ):

2010-07-07T20:05:00.002+08:00

Today i spent the whole day with Songfeng. We borrowed a DVD to watch at home, called Up. It's about this old man whose wife had died, but he still clings on to his home (symbol for his wife) and this scrapbook that the wife had ever since they were young. It was really touching. It was mainly about him learning how to let go, move on and find something new to occupy his life.

I guess life is like an endless routine of spring cleaning. You get to clear out junk; like the rotting banana peel under the heaps of clothing, you find things that you never noticed were there before, you get to introduce furniture into your newly tidied room, but also, you'd have to decide which few things that you'd have to throw.

It is easier to choose to give away the teddy bear that you played with since you were young, than to discover out of the blue that it is gone. And same here, i would have to let go of my teddy bear before i lose it unknowingly. Clinging on to it only brings back memories which cannot be revived or replayed.

I've had to go through so many rounds of spring cleaning that you'd think i'd have gotten used to it. Thing is, it has always been hard for me. Things change, priorities of people change. I guess the only reason why i am always so affected is because i try to stay the same.

2010-07-05T22:07:00.003+08:00

I just realized how much i had missed running. Without running regularly my body is unable to detox and i feel so unhealthy and sloth like. I guess running helps to clear not just garbage in my bodily system but also whatever emotional garbage that i might have. It is like a placebo pill; i feel better about myself when i run. Not only physically but also mentally and emotionally. I do wish to be baggage free.

2010-07-02T20:58:00.002+08:00

As i walked to the track this morning, the cold air bit my skin. I have not run in eons and i was about the attempt a 5km run. I put my bag on the bench, full of condensed water; it felt as if dew could form on my skin too. I stretched and touched my palm to the ground, feeling the stretch in my calves, and then, armed with my phone as stopwatch, i started my jog.

The morning was dark and quiet. Not a single soul lurked nearby. I finally felt the calm that i felt when i sat on the swings in SC. I heard the light pad of my footsteps, the ring of the crickets in the background. The flags that were waving in the wind seemed to be waving in support of me. The lone trees by the side seemed to be the spectators, watching me as i ran past them. The trickle of water from the pool sounded like a surging tide as i ran by, as if my energy made the water ebb and flow. The frog croaked, like a slave driver, nagging at me to continue and ran faster.

And finally, as the sun slowly rose, i ran towards the end point, feeling triumphant. The distance did not matter. Neither did the timing. For i had come in victorious - victorious in the battle of the will.

***

TRIX's BIRTHDAY! We went for Udders at Novena and i made her a card full of her idols! HAHA! She loved it!! I bought cookies and cream and pear sorbet. Well i actually wanted "Kick S Caramel" but the guy made me try like 4 different flavors despite me saying that i didn't want to try! So i gave up and just accepted pear sorbet! Then she taught me how to crochet ice cream! It was super fail because my cone turned out like a peanut! We had such a good laugh.

2010-06-30T20:14:00.003+08:00

HAHA! The mrt gang was standing in the area between the two carriages. There was a guy (red dot) in it and they decided to surround him and make him feel awkward! (we are in blue) Poor guy, we were having some weirdo conversation and he had to be stuck with little breathing space!!

Aye i actually have lots of emo stuff to post, but i guess i shall not post it. Maybe i will post part of it. Receiving pressure from everyone when i don't feel confident of myself at all. Dad, mom and even friends! I am tired of living up to expectations. Songfeng tells me to only bother about opinions of those who truly matter, and i shall try that. Thing is, if i can't even live up to my own expectations of myself, how am i to cope?

Anyway i downloaded Elvis and Rolling Stones! I'm so excited to listen to them on the way to school tomorrow, assuming my dad doesn't fetch me again!

Speaking about my dad fetching me to school, today he sent me my specs and history books! It was nice of him though i didn't really need it! Plus Alice Tan came to my table to convey it to me and she scared me out of my wits because she usually scolds me for hair! I gave her this terrified and puzzled look but she gave me her usual stern face.

Was really flushed and tired after history! Can't wait for exams to be over.

2010-06-28T20:32:00.003+08:00

Today, before the English paper, Lynette, Tim Ong and i were having a conversation. As usual, our combination of personalities result in weird and often amusing conversations. Tim Ong was asking me about literary devices and asked me about persona

T: For persona got 1st and 2nd person right?
J: Huh? No only 1st and 3rd!
T: Eh i thought there was a 2nd?
J: -_- no! No 2nd luh
*short pause*
L: HUH!! You mean there is a 4th!?
*HUGE LAUGHTER!*

HAHAHA! Lynnie so blur!

Ah today's paper didn't go so well! Didn't feel confident. I hope Physics would be better!

Went to Esplanade to study again with Annabel. We did a heap of history notes. Wow so productive! Our hands were aching. After we left the library Annabel was making this motion with her hands like she was playing drums. I gave her a weird look and she said she was "exercising her hands". Rofl. After making those notes i felt a little giddy, probably worn out from thinking and summarising notes too much. As Tim Ong would say, so "mind intensing"! Lol.

Still have 4 more days. I just realised i have not memorised one bit of econs or history yet. Still need more practice for math too. And chinese also needs some memory work! =S

Looking forward to the end of exams. Ice cream with Trix at Udders and she'll teach me how to crochet ice cream! I think i need to buy the hook cos i might have returned it to Melly already! Aye so exciting! Toy Story 3 also awaits me on Friday. Such a happening day.

2010-06-24T20:29:00.003+08:00

After seeing Songfeng i went to study with Annabel at the Esplanade library. It's a really pleasant place, with music to listen to as you study, just enough lighting so you wouldn't squint, and cool chairs. Studied physics mostly, since there is going to be a mock test tomorrow! I hope i do well enough so i would at least feel better about one subject in the exams.

Annabel was not focused today! She went to buy food (aye so annabel), read her book, listen to music, sleep on the couch, etc! After that we took a break and looked for CDs to listen to. In the library there are CD players installed in the tables with a headset hanging from the wall. There was a piano room for people to rent. So from time to time you'd hear the piano playing. Thank goodness it seems like only pros come to play in the room. It's a music library! I was so blur, i did not even realise until annabel told me. We listened to Rolling Stones and Elvis Presley, both the best of the lot, and something else she recommended... Was is John Legend or something like that?

We walked to marina square to get some coffee and cookies. Talked a bit, joked a lot, being lame as usual. On the way back tim goh smsed and we decided to prank him! Thank goodness our mass spike cleaning session is already over, and we did not fall off. (inside joke)

Studied even more, spurred on by fear. At about 7.12pm we went back, walking a long way back to city hall mrt. Had a semi heart to heart talk. A good day :)

2010-06-23T20:33:00.000+08:00

Selling second hand items here, from clothes to books to toys and much more :)

http://ourminijumblesale.blogspot.com/

2010-06-07T18:58:00.009+08:00

Ta-dah! I went to Universal Studios with Songfeng yesterday! It was super duperdy exciting! There was this long queue at the ticketing booths so while Songfeng queued, i busied myself with snapping photos!

There was a Hershey's Chocolate World and i took lots of photos in there. It made me feel like buying a ton of chocolate. It is super cute!

*mouth waters*

Huge syrup bottle at the entrance

And here we enter the fantasy world! Isn't the construction great! I was ecstatic! I kept saying "Oh my gosh!" and started taking more and more photos. Songfeng just tsk-ed at me and was very "what the hell!" at the rate that i took photos. Sadly i'm too lazy to upload all of them.

The Madagascar Ship!

Haha i love this one, it's ingenious! Saw loads of people taking photos of this as well!

Everything was Madagascar themed, even food stalls!

King Julien, Songfeng's favorite in Madagascar haha!

We didn't expect this! Initially we saw this group of people sitting in a semicircle and we wondered what they were doing. They were actually setting the "stage" for the mini show! The mascots came out when the song started and they danced. King Julien's face is epic.

Ogre Land

Watched a Shrek 4D show, no pictures allowed. It was very funny, and at some parts gross because they sprayed water on you. But overall, (Y)!!

Revenge of the Mummy! The best ride we had, a must try if you ever go to US.

This is where ate, by the "Hollywood" section of US. Super good food. Each person is entitled to $5 retail voucher and $5 food voucher. Songfeng and i only spent $5 on our food. The restaurant was super good, delicious food and very filling. On par to Carl's Junior i think.

I ate a cheeseburger and he ate a chicken burger (:

We went to the Jurassic Park section where we wanted to ride one of the water based games, but there was some system error. ): But we got to go on another dinosaur ride which is scary because it was so high up and your feet were dangling. Then we went for a kiddy roller coaster ride on the red dragon. (the one in the movie Shrek)

Enter HOLLYWOOD!

Went to this place showing how Steven Spielberg makes a Class 5 hurricane on set! I was scared that i would get wet since i was standing in the front row but thank goodness i did not get wet! The effects were breathtaking.

Bought a shirt using the $10 retail voucher for Songfeng later on then went home. (: Great day!

2010-06-06T10:16:00.004+08:00

I had a great day yesterday! And i still am in a hyper mood because of my sister.

We had my favorite Korean BBQ at East Coast last night. We saw this old woman who looked very much like my grandma! We were already laughing like crazy over something and so upon seeing that woman i was even more tickled. I exclaimed that even her dressing and bangle was the same as grandma's! Then my dad added in that my grandma already had white hair! But i rebutted and said she dyes her hair! I don't know why but it made it more funny and i laughed till my stomach hurt, and i was crying!

Then my dad told us a peanut joke. The rest of my family was lamenting that he has already told it a thousand times before, but the thing is, i haven't heard it! So he started the joke:

On the plane, this old lady was sitting next to a young man. She kept offering him peanuts to eat. She then asked him, "Is it delicious?" He would nod vehemently and say yes. So she kept on offering him peanuts. Then he grew curious and asked her, "Why do you keep offering me peanuts?" And she replied, "Because i don't have teeth and can only suck the chocolate." HAHAHAHAHA

I didn't even get it at first! So i said with my usual blur look, "Huh? I dont get it." My sister said, "you mean you haven't heard it before?!?!" I shook my head. She then continued, "You know some chocolates have the peanuts inside it?!" And i was like OMG haha GROSS!

hahahahaha.

Then we went to see people prawning. It suddenly didn't seem very fun anymore! The people there were just sitting there listlessly waiting for a bite! The bait looked quite disgusting haha! But it's okay i would still want to prawn with Songfeng. Though i'm concerned whether the water would get to my rash and i would have to touch squirmy prawns and all =S

Last night we did massive grocery shopping, because my mom was away in Vietnam for a business trip, and our grocery supply ran out since she usually does the shopping. We bought 3.6 kg of toilet paper (omg), 2 big tubes of Darlie toothpaste, 2 rolls of mint floss, lots of shampoo, 2 packs of frozen pizza, 2 cartons of milk, a ton of snacks, 3 packs of sanitary pads, 6 packs X 3 X 18 of packet tissue paper, 2 big "barrels" of oil, bottles of ketchup and chili and other random things i simply cannot remember!

My sister and i were saying that this was manual labor, for my mom made us tag along to carry stuff. So throughout the whole trip we were laughing because of this. Every time my mom left the grocery basket with us so that we'd look over it as she went to another shelf, we would say that we'd have to look after the objects of manual labor, and that she was exploiting our vulnerability as her children. Whenever we found something that she should buy we said she'd have to pay us extra for good manual labor service hahaha! Then my dad came to pay and carry the heavier stuff and we said omg there's more people doing manual labor with us! hahaha. And because we already took the relatively lighter stuff, there was the heavy stuff left which my dad ought to carry and there's the 3.6kg of toilet paper! We were talking about who would carry the toilet paper and my sister said, "Whoever who frowns the first (between my mom and dad) would have to carry it." HAHAHA that was so hilarious. Even the cashier was smiling in amusement.

This morning, my mom was complaining about how her hair grows so quickly when she just cut it not too long ago. It's a bob, or rather, was a bob, for it is now a deformed bob due to untamed curls. Then my sister said, "You know why your hair grows so fast? Cos you eat lots of mushroom." HAHAHA mushroom hair.

I think my sister is like me, we start imagining funny things and can just laugh for no rhyme or reason at all! Her birthday is coming. Oh my, what to get her??

2010-06-01T18:37:00.002+08:00

Went out with SCRCY Mini Zoo last night and had loads of fun catching up (:

Went to the zoo with the kids and Songfeng today! It was humid cos of the rain but otherwise fun. I got to know the kids more, especially Ezy. The kids are getting more familiar with me, it is heartening to know :)

2010-05-31T12:00:00.003+08:00

School now revolves around ninja-ing and the blossoming of scandals. Every day is rather repetitive. Wake up late, rush to school, attend lessons, sleep through some, eat during lessons, tease others, go home, do some work, surf on facebook, talk online, sleep. Now, as i try to complete my IOP essay i am sleepy because of a late night.

There are things that i want to do this holidays. Go prawning with Songfeng, go on the zoo excursion with the kids, teach them beading, sell the beads at the bazaar, catch up with friends, and study!

Hmm let's see if there's anything interesting happening in my life right now, because i have been trying to figure something but as you can see from the above 2 paragraphs, life has been stale. But i think i am sick of any drama in life already, and i guess i am happy without any crazy ups and downs.

That day when i passed Roselyn her earrings, Eddy came along. We had a nice chat about school, about my future career, university applications, politics, and songs! I found out new things about the songs i listened to, learnt of new oldies bands. Found out that Eddy could sing! It was a good chat. Though i was sorry i made Songfeng bring the earrings down because i accidentally left it with him. Now that i am thinking about delivering earrings, i realised i have forgotten to make one pair! =X

2010-05-24T19:18:00.007+08:00

How often do you get someone who loves you unconditionally? Someone who sees your flaws but accepts you for who you are? Someone who admires you for your strengths and affirms you everyday? Someone who listens and never judges? Who is there whenever you need him? Who forgives you without any hesitation? Who doesn't think twice about giving his best to you? Whom you can share everything under the sun with? Who understands you like he understands himself?

I am lucky to have this particular someone in my life. Thank you Songfeng for all that you've given me.

***

Songfeng passed me this book a few days ago, called 59 seconds. In the first chapter it states that writing positive things has a positive impact on people's emotional health. Studies show that those who write at least once a week about something they are grateful for are happier and more contented. I guess it is true. Also i found the reason why i found it so comforting when i write about things that bother me. People usually find someone to confide in when they are down, but this does not actually help relief their pain or solve anything. However studies show that when they put their thoughts into writing, they feel better and that their mind is cleared up. This is because writing has a certain structure and through writing people may find certain conclusions that ease their mind. So true so true.

Today i was walking down the corridor to go home. Christie yelled from behind me and asked me, "Jing, why are you walking alone??" I turned around and found no answer to this. It reminded me of what Songfeng told me yesterday that teenagers are hardly comfortable with themselves enough to be alone or spend alone time with themselves. Sometimes it may be because they are just that empty inside, and when teenagers go out to socialise, it eases their "suffering" of being alone or not understood. To some extent i would agree but i think it could be exaggerated. I dont think that many teens are so lonely. Sometimes i even want to be alone, love to shop alone, listen to music alone, study in the library alone. After socialising too much i find comfort in silence and talking in a group can be tiring for me. So sometimes i keep quiet when im with someone, and like people whom i can be quiet around so whenever i need some alone time i won't feel awkward.

2010-05-23T17:04:00.003+08:00

I am so happy nowadays. There literally are balloons tied to my wrist, pulling me up into the sky and into the clouds.

2010-05-20T21:33:00.006+08:00

Imagine a close friend/spouse standing up at your funeral and presenting your eulogy. Write the script for them. What would you really like them to say about you? Feel free to avoid any sense of modesty, but keep it realistic.

How would you want them to describe your personality, achievements, personal strengths, family life, profssional success and behavior towards others?
When you have finished, take a long and honest look at the eulogy for your ideal self. Does your present lifestyle and behavior justify the comments, or is there work to be done?

JingRui was a girl full of emotional courage and love for others. She knew how to accept others for who they are and show concern for them. She believed that everyone is worthy of being loved, despite their flaws or shortcomings, and that the purpose of life was to give love to others.

As a friend, she is cherished for her deep understanding and willingness to listen. She was always there when you needed a listening ear. Her cheerful disposition put those around her at ease.

As a partner/wife, she was faithful and dutiful. She loved her husband deeply and shared a happy and meaningful marriage with him. Their marriage brought strength to others and together as a couple they helped others around them and was an inspiration to them.

As a mother, she was understanding, willing to put herself in the shoes of her children. She had the courage to communicate authentically with them and never judged or put her kids down even when they did wrong. She nudged them softly in the direction of growth, and her children grew to be emotionally mature and independent.

To be refined.

2010-05-18T23:04:00.004+08:00

We, both of us, were alone in the room. Behind me, i could feel her grieving presence. I turned back, saw her hunched back by the ironing board, her fist clenching her wrist. Her wrist, as if writhing in pain, trembles. Her jaw is tight, the depth of the lines engraved on her face reflecting the depth of her agony. A lone tear tumbles down. Turning back to my memories of Aunty May, seeing in black and white her hunched figure by the bedside grabbing her bandaged wrist in tears, and myself, as a little girl, kneeling by her side, watching her cry. As if by instinct, i move over, touch her shoulders lightly with my fingers. She held onto me, arm around my waist, and me, my arm on her back. She cried into my bosom as she held on to me, as if i were her life buoy, tugging me to her, down. I held her, supporting her up, wishing and thinking that i were a sponge, to soak up her pain. And almost immediately, she releases her grip, and walks briskly away to the washroom, clearing all the evidence that this ever happened.

2010-05-16T19:31:00.003+08:00

Just finished compiling all my History notes into my History textbooks, what a feat! The Physics test was really bad, made me feel horrible, but strengthened my resolve to do way better the next time, and in any future tests as well. I shall not slacken.

Over this weekend i have been doing quite a lot of homework. I'm so glad to have SF by my side to encourage me while i am at work. Somehow, it is a motivation. He tells me to take breaks and i do, and he tells me to continue, and i do. It works very effectively. Plus my renewed mindset on scoring well for tests pushed my butt off to work.

Left my English essay to do. Don't have a good feeling about it because i forgot to bring my Siddhartha back! And i dont know how to go about answering the question. I wonder when it is due, i got a feeling it is monday, but i terribly hope not!

Got my desk organised too, finally getting things organised and neat. It is such a huge relief. It is as if this organising has helped shelf my mind as well.

2010-05-14T21:12:00.003+08:00

Pikyy's birthday today! Annabel and i were scheming to do something ninja to surprise him. We thought of this idea to put stuff in his locker but it turns out HE DOESNT HAVE A LOCKER! So during recess we got him to go down by asking him to buy food for us and we quickly stuck the little balloons on his table. Once he poked in and it was really obvious we were doing it! At that moment i was telling reno to write in the card and quickly slid it under reno's worksheets. So he knew a bit of it! Aye no kick.

And it was actually a bad idea to ask him to get food! He came up only 5 minutes before recess ended. Annabel and i were starving and wondering Where on earth is peter koh?? After that he came up and saw the balloons. Kind of anti climax actually, he didnt even say anything! We gulped our food down.

After econs we passed him the card and the present. Aye hope he liked it!

2010-05-13T18:46:00.003+08:00

I lost the only person who knew how to love me. If only i had the courage to love back.

2010-05-11T16:02:00.004+08:00

In light of what's been happening, i have had this weight on my mind that's ever increasing, this guilt on my conscience. I don't want to feel this stress on my shoulders anymore, my patience is wearing thin. Here are some of my resolutions:

1) Be responsible for my own actions
2) Be humble
3) Be proactive
4) Know my priorities
5) Set aside time for myself to rest/maximise time
6) Be a good daughter and sister
7) Be considerate to the feelings of others
8) Be thrifty
9) Be less selfish

2010-05-10T20:59:00.002+08:00

Just felt that i needed some personal space, rather tired from everything. Yet my actions make me further entangled into a series of events which would tie me down. I know you must be hurting so deeply now, frightened, angry, gaping hole in the walls of your heart bleeding because of the rocks i have been hurling. I cannot mend it anymore, neither can i seem to stop hurling anymore, because it is as if my arms are working on batteries, a machine programmed to continue, only accelerating without any signs of slowing down. My mind has ceased to work, and only this engine takes over, dictates all. There is little will left to stop it, even though my heart screams stop. How will i ever find that courage, that huge step to cross over? I am so ashamed that i would rather not turn back, because then there would be more heartache and sacrifices. It will be worth it, i tell myself, for i want you hurt no longer, but how? How?

I'm sorry Songfeng, i do not expect to be forgiven anymore.

2010-05-08T11:47:00.002+08:00

7 days passed by just like that, i wonder whether to believe it or not. Not all experiences were pleasant, but it was a time of learning and discovery. I learnt much more about the class and about myself too. I grew closer to a bunch of people, namely the Donut Gang; Annabel, Christie, Roxanne, Joelle, David, J.Lim, Bynes, Samuel. I understood Pikyy a bit more too. I find that i am comfortable talking heart to heart with them, especially Annabel, Joelle, David and Pikyy. These people in the gang would be those whom i can count on in class for anything. We can resolve issues together.

To me, WOW was both fulfilling and not at the same time. While i understood those in the Donut Gang more, i felt that we could have bonded better as a class during this time, and in a way it was rather disappointing. I also made many careless mistakes which put Laoshi in a spot, like missing my declaration card, being too "bo chap" (in Laoshi's words) about my belongings, and the sword incident involving Sarah. I felt that Laoshi really treated out gang well, even though some of them made mistakes too. She still is willing to trust us so much. I really want to carry my responsibilities well so that she would not have to carry so much burden on her shoulders.

I had my share of fun on the trip. I was in a group with Samuel, David, Patrick and sometimes Bynes would drop by. We took a class of kids. The kids were so adorable, and in a way better behaved than those in Singapore. Their schools there were very "regimental". The kids already knew how to march and stand in sedia, and they are very obedient to the principal. There was once when i wanted to lead the children back to the classroom, but they al ran in front of me in chaos. The next time round, i told them to walk slowly behind me, not to overtake me, neatly in their 3 rows. After i started taking a few steps, they were all marching behind me, counting one, one, one, two, one in Chinese, in unison in their chirpy voices. I felt so proud of them, i should have walked around the whole school to savor that moment before leading them back to their classes.

Kids there are also more enthusiastic about learning and participating. Whenever i ask them if they want to play, or if they had fun playing, they would shout at the top of their voices, YES! There's a video clip of me asking them if they had fun, and they all responded loudly with smiling faces. It was such a wonderful moment. They also volunteer to answer questions. I can see their sheer effort in trying to remember the English words i taught them. Sometimes even though they were afraid of asking when they were unsure of their answers, they were courageous enough to try, and for that, i would still reward them candy.

One issue we faced was noise control and the lack of order sometimes. When giving out color pencils and pictures to color in, they would snatch and push each other, jostling for space. Even after shouting many times for them to keep quiet, they would continue making noise after 5 minutes or less. I shouted till my voice is now hoarse, and my throat is sore. Yet, after seeing them coloring with such concentration knitted into their eyebrows, i would feel this sense of satisfaction, hoping they enjoyed our company and the fun we brought them.

Preschool kids were harder to manage than the lower primary kids. Being too young and small, some of the games were organised were a little unsuitable for them, and they would be less enthusiastic about participating. Poison ball for example did not work too well on the kids. They started sticking to each other in the middle of the circle and did not move around to avoid the ball. Limbo too was a problem as their bodies were small and they did not know how to bend backward properly. They were also less orderly. We took this bunch of kids on the second day, and our group found it rather frustrating, especially me when it was lesson time.

The kids on the third day were the best and most well behaved. There was this cute, pretty girl who stuck to me. I grew a bit of an attachment to her, and had to remind myself to treat every kid equally. She was a quiet and rather stoic girl. There is something in her personality that is unique but indescribable. I took a picture with her for rememberance.

The kids were rather "dirty". Their fingernails were grimy and they were very dusty, probably because their school compound was mostly dirt ground. Only then did i realise the need for hygiene lessons. I was also humbled when i saw their school compound. It makes me wonder how they learn in such a run down building. They also walk 2-5 hours to and from school everytime they go home. They do not even know the distance, but just continue walking and know that they would reach there. We had to be sensitive to them too. We played Squirrel and Tree, and there's an "Earthquake" command. The response to that game was poor and we only realised much later on that there was a 7.3 earthquake that happened not too long ago.

I guess i really loved spending time with the kids. Each day passed by so quickly. I was even willing to forsake the lunch time to have more fun with them.

Okay will post more on day to day basis soon, after i recover from this tiredness and sore throat!

2010-04-29T21:16:00.003+08:00

Leaving Singapore tomorrow at 3am. Time flies! Packing in a mad rush today, thinking and planning what to bring, worrying about things that i might forget, worrying how dry and cold China would be. Hopefully i come back with the same amount of rashes, if not less! I think helping the kids would be fulfilling, and planting trees would be fun!

Leaving SF and my family behind. I know they'll miss me. Wrote SF a letter so he would not worry about me. I know my mom would miss me like how she misses my brother or sister when they go away too. She's more sentimental than any one of us thinks. I gives me a soft spot for her. My dad is fussing about me, checking the temperature and humidity there, making sure i have enough stock in my First Aid kit.

I hope my trip goes well, and i come back safe, so i would not be of any burden to them, so they can be happy too when i come back with a huge grin on my newly sun tanned face.

I hope there is signal there

2010-04-24T21:08:00.002+08:00

It is Christie's birthday today! I wished her a Happy Birthday once i entered the class today. As usual she was donned in pink! Sakhar Nair bought her a cake from TWG Tea (I wonder what TWG stands for?) I was really glad she liked the card and the bear that we bought her. I'm glad we have this group in our class, these are the people whom we can depend on and work with.

After class i had meepok then went to YOG deco. Painted figures in different positions, like running positions, diving positions, jumping positions. It was way more interesting than painting a grey rock wall like before! I felt proud of us for completing the figures, especially when they look quite professional! James and Hann Lam are great painters.

Now i'm stressed up about work:

Chinese Indiv Oral script
History SBQ
History EE Proposal
Econs essay
Econs IA
Finish reading Huck Finn proper and think of IOP topic

Stress upon stress because:

I think i screwed up math test ): At least its not counted!

2010-04-20T20:28:00.002+08:00

A: "whats an indicator that the dawn is approaching?" (cant remember the exact question actually!)
B: "The sound of waves"

HAHA! Still said in such a confident tone.

It was a super funny day. TOK tutorials are always a total waste of time, and Joelle faked something and went to the matron! Annabel said that her acting skills are just too good. Matron is like the school's hotel or something. It has the bed, pillows, water, everything!

Today Patrick said something thought-provoking. He said that we all have a government because people want to be led. Hmm in a certain sense it is true. Actually most things he says is true, but sometimes he makes it sound freaky. He reads so much and can somehow retain the information. He's brain is like a thumbdrive, or better still, a harddisk!

During Econs, i drew on Pikyy's hand again, an Orange watch. It has two levers which can dispense juice and pulp! I kept laughing uncontrollably during Econs because i kept concocting weird scenarios of the OJWM in my mind, and he kept making more jokes out of the joke.

On to more serious things. I know some members of my family haven't been really nice to my maid, Angie. I guess we are still not accustomed to each other yet. I guess she is really lonely and worries about her family a lot. She carries so many burdens, it makes me feel ashamed of myself. Sometimes i see her staring out of the window in the evening by the balcony where she hangs the clothes to dry. I long to make her feel more accepted into the family

2010-04-19T17:55:00.002+08:00

Pikyy didn't come to school today! I was walking alone to History class and had to sit at the back row for more than 15 minutes alone until Giddy came! How terrible! Updated him about school as the day progressed.

History was the usual.

Chinese was the usual. Laoshi gave us Toblerone for being the first group to hand up NE Project. But i think after taking a look at it she might want it back! I dont think we did it up to her expectations! Lucky mine is in my stomach already.

Slacked during PE and had a good laugh when Annabel had to time Patrick for his 2.4, and when she waved the toothbrush in front of him! Went back to class and slacked again and tried fruitlessly to discuss our Grp 4 Project.

Had English, which i felt like sleeping in, must be because of PE!

EE was usual, but i at least got some affirmation that my topic is doable!

Bussed home with Caryl after YOG meeting. She's actually quite funny to talk to, just that her conversation is scattered full of profanities. Wonder why i never really talked to her in SC before.

2010-04-17T21:14:00.003+08:00

Went to tuition kids again (: I brought a box of sweets for them which was really useful. It motivated the hyper E to work and finish his assignements! So proud of him. From time to time he would make this cute frown because he is concentrating! And he has really neat handwriting and makes an effort to tidy his work by correction taping every error! He is so adorable!

Couldn't stay for long because there was YOG deco later on. Made new friends! Painted a huge paper mache thing which was like a rock. Had to paint with a gradient, which was a little difficult. Had to texture the rock too! Our panel was amongst the best two! So proud of us! I ended up with paint in my hair, on my tee and jeans haha. I even stepped on paint!

2010-04-14T20:04:00.002+08:00

Been too tired to post recently! Thought of more controversial stuff but im too lazy to type it out! Schools been normal. Played Acsassin which was fun... while it lasted. I died within the first like.. 15 minutes into the game? haha. oh well nothing i can think of to blog right now. at least, nothing that i have energy to type about!

2010-04-11T00:02:00.002+08:00

I am really happy today!

Went to the family service centre for tuitioning today. I was so happy to see the kids greet me and welcome be back! More of them have come to recognise me already, and i felt really warmed. SF told me that Cassandra actually asked for me to tuition her! Weiguang is still as friendly as ever, and Diyanah has some sort of attachment to me. I felt really happy playing bricks with her and getting to know her better. I also played with Randall but he is on the quiet side.

I was getting Melissa and Trix to conduct the beading and scrapbook "workshops" which i wanted to hold for the girls during the holidays. I was glad that Melissa was excited about it! I was glad that she was enthusiastic about the bazaar too!

I feel really warmed by the kids in the centre. Somehow they anchor me. I want to make it an effort to go down more often and spend time with them.

2010-04-09T19:10:00.002+08:00

In light of recent... happenings (for lack of better word!), i got thinking a bit more about this: Would you rather be yourself and not be accepted by others around you, or not be yourself so that you will be accepted by others?

I was once a "vistim" of this, when i was really quiet and serious in school. I felt that i could not relate to my classmates who were all crazy over teenage things like Korean bands or Hollywood celebrities. I found my personality to be very different; while they go hyper over small things, i hardly see what the fuss is all about. While i had friends who were like me, they were rare and few. Sometimes i felt complied to change and be more "teenage" just so i could relate to others my age better. When i did try, i found that i was not truly happy, and could not keep it up. I had no genuine interest in their interests, and i was not true to myself. Even if i fit in, it was because they wanted the me who was not me. How would i ever know if i was accepted if i am pretending all the time?

So i decided to be true to myself, and looked more to the friends who were like me. I could converse with them about topics that genuinely sparked my interest, and could have stronger bonds with them. I did not feel alone, and felt i could share my thoughts and feelings with them.

However, if i were an unlikeable person, and not just because i have different perspectives and interests, would i still dare to be myself?

I respect people who dare to have a strong stand for who they are and what they believe in, even if people might not like it, or if people disagree. I feel that they are courageous, though not being accepted could hurt. It is better than losing yourself just to fit in, and this sense of belonging would be false, because it is who you are pretending to be that they like, not that you have been truly loved and have truly gained acceptance.

2010-04-08T20:07:00.003+08:00

I read in a thread posted in a forum about "Money, values and happiness". This person in the forum asked, why are some rich people so unhappy with their lives?

Reply from SF:
"Being rich and being wealthy is 2 different things.

One can feel wealthy just by looking at what you already have and wanting what you already have.

Whereas you can be rich and still forever not feel having enough. Now that's being poor"

I do agree. However i also see another characteristic of unhappy rich people who seem to lead unfulfilled lives despite how rich they are. I feel that they are lacking a purpose in life. To me, the purpose of life would be to give love and receive love freely. So i will write in this aspect.

I feel that it is every being's basic need to be loved and accepted by the people around them. In fact, everything that we do is to gain love. We please our parents just to earn praise. We give people gifts to show our love for them. We long to receive gifts in return. We show concern for each other, we sacrifice things for each other. Some people even try to prove themselves worthy of love by being smarter, prettier, more handsome. They are all ways of gaining acceptance, whether they are healthy ways or not.

We feel empty when we do not get the acceptance we seek. What is the point of living when you know that no one loves you? What's the reason for living on when you have no one, not even a friend, to depend on?

2010-04-07T22:07:00.002+08:00

Yesterday, Bynes asked what kind of person i think i am. I would think that it's hard to answer such a question precisely in words. I have two very different sides of me, such polar opposites that it is hard to tell who i am and what kind of person i am exactly. In fact, i feel that everyone has 2 very different sides of themselves, which ultimately makes them who they are as a whole.

The lighter side of me is more mature, more selfless and giving. I would take my responsibilities seriously, finish work on time and go back home early. I enjoy feeling for others and helping them out and would not actually mind sacrificing things for myself to help them.

The darker side of me would be selfish and rather immature and superficial. I do things to harm/hurt my loved ones because i would only care about my own fun. Put my safety at risk. Stick with the wrong crowd, make my parents worry. This side of me includes my own grief too at different points of life.

In a sense i never really regretted the wrongdoing in my life. While i am remorseful, i often look back and think that every bit of my life contributed to who i am today, and that's what's made my life worth living. The lessons learnt, even if they hurt, are worth it. Again, it is like Om.

SF tells me: though i always say i have no regrets in my life, i have never stopped feeling pain towards those whom i've hurt inthe past

That is true. Often i stop to think and wonder how the people who have been passers by in my life are doing right now. Whether they have moved on from the hurt they received, how they dealt with it, how it has impacted their lives. I also think how the people whom i have helped are doing right now, if my help even mattered to them, whether i was of any influence, whether they would remember me, I would feel this sense of longing, as if wishing i would say some words to them, wonder if my being in their life at all was of any difference to them.

2010-04-07T19:48:00.002+08:00

I had a peaceful day at home. I finally caught up with the news and read the newspaper. Read Huckfinn as well.

I went to see the doctor again because i had to get another day of MC. It was the old doctor this time. He saw me bringing huckfinn in and said "Wah Mark Twain, no wonder you get a headache" haha! He is funny. He was also from ACS(I)! He said that it was compulsory to take lit for all 4 years and he did mostly Shakespeare and Jane Austen. Alarmingly, they did not do American literature and so he did it himself, like George Orwell or Harper Lee etc. He recommended me a few authors which i've forgotten.

I told him i had headache fever and vomiting. He did some weird tests on me, which i dont feel relate to any of the three symptoms i had. He knocked my knee, knocked my elbow, used the stethoscope on my chest, took my blood pressure, took my pulse etc. I have no idea what they are for! He shone light in my eyes, made me stick my tongue out. It was pretty funny.

In the end, i did not have to pay anything. Can you believe it? I walked in and out without needing to make any payment! Such a nice doctor. I shall converse with him more about literature next time.

Spent most of my day sleeping, resting and using the computer. I had this urge to shop but of course i can't, and i have no money too. I had this compelling want to go to school and have lessons to see what i was missing too but of course, i can't again! I was supposed to practice double bass with Tim too but aye, too bad. I will just die tomorrow because the teacher would just ask if we have practiced or not and i would feel bad.

This saturday is SC carnival! I am in a huge dilemma again. Go with Trix and library friends? Go with Tim and AC friends? Go with SC red cross friends? Oh no i dont like this =/

I think this is the longest happy post ive posted in ages. It's good to have me back!

2010-04-06T19:50:00.003+08:00

Sick today! ): But it was alright, i got to rest at home and sleep lots. I realised that my panda eyes are getting worse and i dont see them getting any better!

Lots of people showed me concern today! Smsed me. Msned me. Even people not from class! Thanks everyone (: It was so sweet!

2010-04-01T19:51:00.001+08:00

Feeling clearer (:

2010-03-31T19:16:00.003+08:00

I guess it is the straw that broke the camel's back. Anyone would sit up upon hearing such grave news. This accumulation of feelings is bound to lead to something. I can finally let my tears roll freely. I don't want to regret.

2010-03-29T20:49:00.004+08:00

Dog tired. Napped for an hour, something i rarely do. Woke up rather disoriented. Tried to do my IOP for this Thursday, but it is practically impossible!

I have everything, yet nothing at the same time. Somehow, deep in my subconscious i knew that i would end up here, even before i was in it. I knew that my thoughts and actions were driving me in this direction. I knew that i was about the embark on a rough journey. I knew that its perks were only going to be superficial and short lived. But something compelled me to tread this path, the path (ironically) more frequently travelled.

I have fears, yet no fears at the same time. I'm not sure what my fears are. Something is holding me back from going back to where i was, where i had a purpose to fulfill, where i was full and not empty. I do not even know what i would want to do in the future. Even the job i dreamt of, being a journalist or an author, seems so distant, so faraway, so unachieveable. Day by day, more is needed to fill up the gapping hole, and it grows bigger, wider, more intimidating. It only gets a little better when i do things for people. Little things like making scrapbook cards, or helping the auntie by sharing an umbrella, or listening to my friends when they are down. I try to give love as much as i can. But, nevertheless, the hole is there, and i cannot find a reason for it.

Everyday, at least for an hour, i would feel it. The deep blot of black spreading itself in the centre of my heart, devouring it, conquering it.

My posts are getting repetitive. But i guess this phase would take awhile to pass.

2010-03-27T20:55:00.002+08:00

Went to support our school at Danceworks today! I am still so high after it! I'm so happy for the group!! :D :D HAHAHA

Lynette, Tim, Grace and I were there first. Then David came, and Gideon came! We were standing at the left side of the stage and were watching the first few performances. It was only at no. 8 but ACSI's performance was no. 21 or something! The first few weren't very good but it started getting better and better, and i got worried! We moved to the right side, then later on moved inside, when the dance group had to wait by the stage. I got even more nervous when the judges praised the Little Nuts group! I felt they were truly good and deserved it though! They were really synchronised and kept their energy level at a high all the time.

Waited impatiently for ACSI's performance while eating bananas! Then finally it came! When the emcee announced our school name, we all went berserk and started screaming. David punched both fists in the air while i just screamed and clapped and cheered! I loved the use of props, it was really fantastic! The message was clear, and everyone was synchronised, and the make up and everything was just wow! It was very theatrical, with the shifting of props, and it was really impactful! I just kept laughing and exclaiming that it was very good to David haha.

After that the judges commented on the dance, and mentioned that they would be in the Top 3. I screamed along with the crowd again, even though my colors were already swarming my vision. The camera flashlights created blobs that flooded my vision, and the euphoria of the crowd was really to the max! I was just so so happy!

Went backstage to support the dancers. Kevin Elbert was there, so was BR, and we congratulated them. Took pictures with Lynette's camera!

After the whole high, we went for food/drink at 313. Together, Lynette, David, Tim, Aakash, Michelle, Audrey, Stephanie and Marcus went to Yoshinoya. I didn't get anything because i was broke and full of junk food from track.

Later went to ACJC and met Henry on the way! I think he's very easy to get along with! Got high when Gideon called me to ask if i was going to Fun-o-Rama, and Tim stared at me blankly. Had fun at ACJC, but because too many different groups of friends were going, i had to abandon some of them and i felt totally incorrigible! Like Yuanxiu and Trix and gang!

Pikyy pressed this small bit of dry ice onto my hands for like super long and i couldn't pull away, and now my hands are "burnt"! Aye, but i think he had it worse! In fact i didn't feel it until they told me it was dry ice and i started panicking. Had too much tickets to use up and Giddy and Pikyy spammed it all on agar agar! Then sat by the track talking.

2010-03-26T21:39:00.002+08:00

Still feeling like a little boat stranded and lost at sea, tossed about by the choppy waters and thundering storms.

Sometimes i it needed for us to be impulsive and just listen to our hearts. But when my heart is in a mess, and my mind is confused, what should i do? I feel like a pendulum bob, always swinging to and fro, and i can't wait till i stop, be still, and be stable.

2010-03-24T21:44:00.002+08:00

While walking to Toa Payoh, it started drizzling. I was crossing the over head bridge then, and scrambled for my umbrella. Walking halfway across the bridge, i saw a short, stout figure in the distance, walking slowly. As i walked closer, i saw that it was an old lady, huddling in the rain, covering her head with some newspaper. Hurriedly, i quickened my pace in a hope to catch up with her.

I saw that her face was damp with rain, and offered to share my umbrella with her. She declined politely, but i insisted. Our arms brushed briefly and i realised hers were wet. I sheltered her until we reached the Sports Complex, where we went separate ways.

She was very grateful, and i felt happy that i was of some help to someone. She's a nice and polite woman.

2010-03-24T18:23:00.003+08:00

My brother getting on my nerves! Few days before he said he lost his angpao money. Just one day ago he was seen with an iPod! Father scolded him and let him off. Sigh. Last time he still stole my money and parents just let him off like that. I dont know what my parents are doing. If i were them i'd deducted his school pocket money by half for 6 months.

I feel tired. Mentally tired. Emotionally tired.

I don't know what i should do to fill up this gapping hole in my heart. I don't even know why i feel empty and tired. I am just tired. I barely make it out of bed every morning. Whenever i am home or alone i just feel so empty.

I feel like i am a lazy sea of blue. A whole mass of water, constantly moving in waves, but never really moving anywhere, still a fixed body of blue. The waves ebb and flow, bump against each other, move with each other, one after another. Yet they are doing this because it is what they, as waves, are supposed to do. I think i just need some passion. I need something to be passionate about, some purpose somewhere.

Again, drawing parallels to Siddhartha, i am chosing my path. Yet in the two possible paths, i find something missing. I just do not fit in either one of them. What does it mean to follow your heart when your heart is confused? Now, looking into myself i find a compass with its needle flickering. I have been feeling empty for so long, it is painful.

In the end, Siddhartha find his true path and discovers himself. Where am i now? In this big blue, confusing sea, where should i go? Or, should i be asking, how can i fill up this big hole?

On the bright side, growth is always painful

2010-03-22T22:21:00.002+08:00

Had 3 free movie tickets to any show at any Shaw cinema! Went to watch Remember Me with Lynette, Tim Ong and Gideon.

It felt so much like a mini excursion to me! Especially when we boarded any public transport together. On 74, i felt like we were on a trip to the zoo or something. Before boarding the train, it felt that way too! Like we had a certain itinerary to follow. We "camwhored" at the mrt station then boarded the train. I laughed a lot on the train because what Tim says is always so super funny. I ended up the only one laughing long and hard, until i teared in my eyes! And i thought it would only be a 15 minute ride but it ended up longer.

Went to buy tickets after making the mistake of going up all the way to find out that tickets are bought downstairs! Chionged down to buy then not-so-chionged back up! Bought popcorn. Throughout the entire movie i kept picking out the sweet one for Tim since he didn't buy any and he didn't like salted ones. Lynette also only liked sweet ones but i didnt mind either.

The movie was boring and super fail! Lynette went to sleep. I started thinking of funny things to nitpick about the movie and laughed a lot again. I think today will be the Laugh the Most Day of the Week~! Tim added on to whatever i was laughing about and i almost couldnt breathe laughing! Lynette was so bored she even started to organize her file and wallet in the middle of the movie.

After the movie we had dinner together. Lynette left early since she was to have dinner at home. The food court at Bugis is way expensive, such a rip off!

Today was a fun day but i think i need more sleep.

2010-03-18T13:03:00.007+08:00

It is a quiet morning, and i have nothing to do. I make scrapbook cards and the birthday chart for the class. I feel strangely peaceful and calm doing it. I paste the stickers slowly, almost systematically, the way i like it. There is a rhythm to my movements, a steady beat, and i am suddenly lost in it. My mind wanders and walks through my memory lane. At times i smile to myself. At times my eyes dim. I feel a yearning to share everything with someone; even my dark side.

Trix and i were sitting on the bus and she asked if one could tell how a person is like just by listening to the songs they listen to. I thought so, at least to a small extent that you gett o know a person better that way. She said she likes those inspirational songs, with lyrics that tell you to do something, just trying to inspire to do what you do not dare to do. I told her i like oldies and she said i was very 念旧. I agree with her. I find myself looking into the past more often that i wish, but i just like indulging myself in it, then somehow thinking about it, "analysing" it and reflecting upon it. It is just because my past makes me, me.

***

Searched more songs today and searched Ronan Keating's songs. I realise i quite like his other songs too, besides If Tomorrow Never Comes. I also came across a new Michael Learns to Rock song!

I shall now learn more about Eagles and Ronan Keating!

Music i like:
Carpenters
Sting (some songs only)
Michael Learns to Rock
Jon Schmidt's compositions

2010-03-16T21:57:00.002+08:00

Went to Esape Theme Park today as a voluneteer to help take care of kids. I loved them, they were adorable and more well behaved than i expected! I was tired towards the end though!

Met with TRIXXX to cycle at ECP! We took advantage of the $6 for 3 hours offer and killed ourselves. We went all the way to Changi and back, and went further again till time was up! At Changi we saw this really sweet elderly couple who cycled all the way there during the late afternoon and they watched the planes take off together! How romantic and loving!

We also kept seeing people go way past ahead of us and wondered why we were so noob! At slopes, we "turbo-ed" up, and since we tried not to lag behind others, we did mini turbos. HAHA the origins of the term turbo is pretty hilarious. There was a huge slope upwards ahead of us and i decided to speed up to gain momentum. Just when i was about to do so, Trix told me suddenly that "Eh omg so many PDA couples there!" I looked to the right and saw more than 2 couples making out obscenely and i started shrieking "EEEEEE!". And, with the other half of my mind on the speeding up, i pedalled as fast as i could. Trix was super amused by my reaction haha!

2010-03-15T23:02:00.003+08:00

I had a pretty fun day. Had breakfast with BR at KAP and he bought a hashbrown for Lynette. It was all soggy by the time we passed it to her, and after eating less than half of it she didn't want it anymore! So i ate the rest of it, or at least, as much as i could so that i wouldn't waste it. We got lost because we couldnt find the Physics class, at c3-02, but it turns out that it's the room beside 5.15! Physics passed faster than i thought it would. I changed out into going out clothes to see YX. I had to ask directions from Junyi to ACJC and he looked a bit awkward when giving me directions, i dont know why.

Saw YX at the back gate of her school after much confusion. We talked and i learnt more about Air Pistol and CF, which she joined! Went to Orchard Central, some coffee place and sat for a drink. Walked around more, shopped a bit and talked more, before we went to Meritus Mandarin to sit and chat yet even more. We decided to do our nails! It's my first time and i felt quite intrigued and excited. After it, my nails felt weird cos there's an extra coating above it.

Left and went to library to see Trix and HL. Slacked and didn't do much work. Was tempted to buy stationary at Popular again! Left library to have dinner with dad's friends and family. Came back and slept on the way home!

2010-03-14T19:56:00.002+08:00

I met up with LY today and had a long chat with him. We went to Coffee Bean and i had a coffee vanilla thing, which i felt was good. He had something chocolatey. We spent about 2 or 3 hours sitting there and talking. I felt better after talking to him, and he was willing to be a messenger. He, being a messenger all his life, must be tired of this. At least that's what i would think, but he assures me otherwise. Good friends are here for each other. SF is truly fortunate to have him, and i am grateful for his help too.

Walked around AMK hub afterwards and we talked a bit more. We talked about growing up, different experiences, our lives. It was good to share, and it was good he understood.

Later i wanted to go shop at orchard since mummy would be there shopping afterward too. But daddy just came back today and he was tired, so she decided to stay home, and i went back home to see dad. He gave me more than one hug and i felt like a little girl again. He gave me a Timberland wallet, the exact kind i like, with zips! I feel zipped wallets are safer. Though the color was dull, i felt it was still good (: He also gave me a teddy bear. My mom got a Coach wallet and a handbag!

We went out again to 313 and shopped about. I got myself stuff from Forever21 and looked at books in Harris. Wanted to find German books but there was every other language other than German! Also wanted to look for books which Dilys recommended but i guess they can only be found in Borders. I saw random comics which piqued my interest but i decided i could just borrow them. I still have House Rules by Jodi Picoult to read. Daddy said that i have not been reading much nowadays. It is true. I should continue reading more history and continue learning German again.

Had dinner at the Food Republic. It reminded me of the B@S girls i was mentoring and hoped that my editions helped them.

I was again revising who should be in my inner circle. I was thinking of RC friends, Trix, Library friends, friends in ACS(I), friends from SCGS, other friends, my family. I was lost. While some people are quite clear cut, i couldnt make how where others should be; inner circle or outer circle? Who is more important? Who is closer? I cannot tell.

2010-03-11T20:22:00.004+08:00

Hmm my day did not start out too well. Firstly, i lost my wallet on the mrt. Informed the mrt staff and such and the woman lent me money to go home! So nice! It has lots of money in it. That's still not that bad, cos it's just money, though a lot. The really bad thing is, there are things inside which i treasure! Sigh. I felt quite lost after that and i did not know who to tell. I think of SF. And i remember that he won't be there this saturday. I thought of weird worst case scenarios. I ranted to a few people then decided that i should not keep thinking about it!

The next bad thing was, i squeezed onto the bus and my bag was stuck between the doors! And the yet next bad thing was, Wong Ting Ee embarrassed me in Econs class by marking my essay in front of the whole class! It's good that he says my handwriting is neat but aye! haha. Then got back Marilyn Monroe English essay, which im not too pleased about but am okay with la.

But, the day took a turn for the better. Well at least it felt more like a normal day again. I had Philharmonic in the afternoon which cheered my day up, because i spent time with the precious instrument. Even though the teacher did not pay much attention to me (he was more focused on Tim and Shil), i still felt happy playing the bass and knowing that i am improving! I really look forward to every Thursday and every practice day!

I can't wait for Saturday and the holidays! English essay to do now!

2010-03-10T19:12:00.002+08:00

Aye if you compare this paragraph to the previous post, you'd find it ironic. Kenneth Wee threatened a demerit and made us write a letter of apology! Like what Alice Teo said today, doing the right thing but using wrong methods is still wrong.

I read through the little scrolls that you wrote for me. I was actually convinced, and somewhat comforted maybe. Yet, a larger part of me did not believe it, refused to acknowledge it, and hardened, cold against you. You tell me not to grasp at straws, to learn my lesson before a big boulder drops on me. But what are you doing right now? I wish to be good to you, but as i try, i find myself more and more unable to cope.

I bussed home with Lynette today, and had a heart to heart talk! haha i am happy

2010-03-09T22:38:00.003+08:00

Short update before i sleep and study.

I felt really happy during break today! :D For WOW Fund Raising, I was helping to sell the cheesedogs and cup corn today, but sales was bad at the start. We had a slow start as we ha dto wait for the corn and hotdogs to cook before they could be sold. Half the time for recess was taken up by then. But once i started, i couldn't stop, so annabel, peter koh and peter wong all stayed back past break to sell. I decided to speed up the production process and started making cheesedogs frantically! More people started buying, and we had to collect money + make more + give change and etc all at the same time! I realised both peters were standing around doing nothing so i made them either collect money and give change, or go round advertising!

We managed to sell all of our "stock" and made $105.70!! I don't know how we got the 70cents, since everything we sold was $2 and $1.50! But actually we cheated quite a bit because we did not have change of 50cents whenever people paid $2 for a $1.50 item, so i proposed they donated some money to us, and usually they would not mind! hahaha what a devious plan!

I guess what was most rewarding was knowing that i was needed there. I felt that i truly contributed, and what more, i had fun! The money made and the fact that everything was sold was just a bonus. Nothing beats knowing that you were of true help! I was super hyper after that, but annabel was very tired, and said that it's good i was high spirited, because she needed it. She was very tired after that haha!

2010-03-08T19:59:00.002+08:00

Siddhartha once followed the samanas, had mentors, sought enlightenment. He even went again his father to tread down this path. He busied himself, concerned about his path, doubted his path, and finally grew unhappy about it. He felt that he should not be like the ascetics; he did not want to reject his bodily needs and wants, or emotional needs and wants. He felt that enlightenment would not come to him this way. Thinking that he should be allowed to “live” fully, Siddhartha sought the material world.

Just like him, I feel like I have trodden down a similar path. But at that time, was Siddhartha truly and completely sure that this path would bring him enlightenment? How does he know if he is right? I know somewhere deep in the crevice of my heart, this is the wrong path. But, like Siddhartha, i have chosen it, and am still following it.

In the end, Siddhartha breaks out of the endless cycle that he has been trapped in. Awakened and finally sober, he continues on the right path and reaches his destination.

I listen to it. It is soothing. My eyelids drift shut and they dance before me. Blizzards of yellow dust, sprinkles of ochre, blots of cameroon and streaks of purple. More colors; the rhythm changes, adopts a softer tone. Pink, brown, sapphire; they weave into one.

It is so beautiful, it comforts me. I am so serene, i want to cry, buy with a smile on my face.

2010-03-07T19:41:00.003+08:00

Today, Laura, Gideon and i were talking about God. They are both Christians but i am not. I tried not to sound too critical or disrespectful, and i felt a little bad. One thing we touched about was the purpose of our existence, or our lives. Some people say that God has a purpose for us and he guides us to fulfill this purpose. However, i asked, why do we not just choose a purpose for ourselves? Why don't we carve out our own purpose?

Gideon spoke of choosing a purpose for ourselves, and that we would tend to be selfish, and everything would be screwed up. However, i argued that that would not be our true purpose. If we chose a selfish purpose, and harm other people, which leads to you being harmed in the end, then you have not listened carefully to your heart and found your true purpose. What is our true purpose (in my point of view)? I feel that if we listened closely to our hearts, we would find a purpose which would be of good to not only yourself, but also to others. For example, if you choose to learn how to love yourself, you would also learn how to love others as well, and others benefit from the goodness that is within you. However, a purpose not true to your heart, otherwise a selfish purpose, usually ends up with misery. And you wouldnt want misery to be part of your purpose!

I brought up a thought which Nicholas shared with me once. He thinks that one person has more than one purpose; in fact, several. For example, the guy who killed himself in order to save the world from "demons", who was on the news for days. He felt that his purpose in life was to sacrifice himself to save the world. However, Nicholas also says there is a purpose to others around him. His purpose to us, would be to tell us not to be addicted to computer games. Another purpose would be his actual purpose of existence which God, or another higher power gives him. I don't know what that would be.

BUT, i feel that having more than one purpose is unnecessary. If we had multiple purposes, we might as well have none, because every action we do would contribute to our so-called "purposes". In my point of view, the demon guy did not find his true purpose, and thus has led himself to his death. He was not awake when thinking of that purpose for himself. And i am sure many people have tried to talk him of out it. Even his friends sobered up upon seeing him dead on the ground.

So how would you know what your true purpose is, or whether your purpose is true to yourself? You will know it when everything feels like it has fallen in place, and your life is running smoothly. When people tel you that the way they feel around you is what you always felt your purpose to be. When you imagine your funeral and people say what your purpose was, and you can be confident that what they think of you would correspond to your purpose.

So what do you want your purpose in life to be?

2010-03-07T09:34:00.001+08:00

Before I Fall in Love by Coco Lee

My heart, says we've got something real
Can I trust the way I feel
Cause my heart's been fooled before
Am I just seeing what i want to see
Or, is it true, could you really be

Someone to have and hold
With all my heart and soul
I need to know, before I fall in love
Someone who'll stay around
Through all my ups and downs
Please tell me now, before I fall in love

I'm at the point of no return
So afraid of getting burned
But I want to take a chance
Please, give me a reason to believe
Say, that you're the one, that you'll always be

Someone to have and hold
With all my heart and soul
I need to know, before I fall in love
Someone who'll stay around
Through all my ups and downs
Please tell me now, before I fall in love

It's been so hard for me to give my heart away
But I would give my everything
Just to hear you say

Someone to have and hold
With all my heart and soul
I need to know, before I fall in love
Someone who'll stay around
Through all my ups and downs
Please tell me now, before I fall in love

2010-03-06T21:57:00.002+08:00

When i was 14, i did the MB Personality Test and my profile was ISFJ. When i read the description of my type, i was completely stupefied, because i did not understand a word of it! I was just cheemology. However, reading it now, i understand a bit more, and can see the areas which have developed which i were not aware about before.

One such example would be this:

ISFJs live in a world that is concrete and kind. They are truly warm and kind-hearted, and want to believe the best of people. They value harmony and cooperation, and are likely to be very sensitive to other people's feelings. People value the ISFJ for their consideration and awareness, and their ability to bring out the best in others by their firm desire to believe the best.

I didnt think i was all of that. Until SF pointed out things in me which i did not know about. However he also pointed out things which were not so positive about this part of me. That i am oblivious to people's evil intentions because i believe that everyone is kind hearted as well!

This too is true:

ISFJs have a rich inner world that is not usually obvious to observers. They constantly take in information about people and situations that is personally important to them, and store it away. This tremendous store of information is usually startlingly accurate, because the ISFJ has an exceptional memory about things that are important to their value systems. It would not be uncommon for the ISFJ to remember a particular facial expression or conversation in precise detail years after the event occured, if the situation made an impression on the ISFJ.

I can truly remember little details really well. A particular person's clothing on a particular day, or an expression during a conversation, or a gesture which strikes me as odd or especially endearing!

And this:

More so than other types, ISFJs are extremely aware of their own internal feelings, as well as other people's feelings. They do not usually express their own feelings, keeping things inside. If they are negative feelings, they may build up inside the ISFJ until they turn into firm judgments against individuals which are difficult to unseed, once set. Many ISFJs learn to express themselves, and find outlets for their powerful emotions.

As for negative feelings, i think i have learnt to express them better now, and i rarely feel any resentment towards anyone now. I am also more open about my positive feelings as well. In all, i think im more expressive than i was 2 yrs ago!

And this!:

ISFJs need positive feedback from others. In the absence of positive feedback, or in the face of criticism, the ISFJ gets discouraged, and may even become depressed. When down on themselves or under great stress, the ISFJ begins to imagine all of the things that might go critically wrong in their life. They have strong feelings of inadequacy, and become convinced that "everything is all wrong", or "I can't do anything right".

Very true, because that's the exact thing i kept saying. Though sometimes i try to think more postively and not fuss over little mess ups.

Lastly, this is something which i have not found to be true yet:

ISFJs learn best by doing, rather than by reading about something in a book, or applying theory. For this reason, they are not likely to be found in fields which require a lot of conceptual analysis or theory. They value practical application. Traditional methods of higher education, which require a lot of theorizing and abstraction, are likely to be a chore for the ISFJ.

It's true i do not like people talking in abstract terms, but i do like talking about abstract things, but in more concrete examples. I do not do practical things very well. Or at least in school, such as science practicals!

2010-03-05T18:58:00.004+08:00

This morning, i saw NC at the bus stop again. We talked more, talked about politics, social issues. We talked about SF. She told me that she was very happy and lucky to have me as a friend here, if not she would not know who to go to to talk about such things. Likewise, i am lucky to have her as well. Of all girl friends, i think she understands me the best, and we are very alike.

Again ive not been blogging in my head! I feel totally dumbfounded during English and Econs lessons! Why does everyone know so many things? I am flabbergasted! We were to write an Econs essay today, and i had a hard time, even though i finished early. It felt like i was juswt writing it out from the text! Now i don't see the point of econs! I might as well take Geog! Also, when i was picked to answer a question yesterday, i got it wrong! Oh no! I think Wong Ting Ee has a bad impression of me already. English lessons aren't that bad, just that group discussions are intimidating. I barely contribue and i feel bad! I will somehow buck up haha! The only thing i feel proud about is like Chinese!

Bussed home alone, since everyone just seems busy. I wanted to use this time to think about things, but i was too tired. I closed my eyes, and my mind blanked.

Had a blissful nap back home, and made scrapbook cards.

2010-03-04T20:22:00.003+08:00

I was trying to reevaluate what and who is important in my life today. I drew the three circles in my notebook, deciding who would be in my innermost circle. I thought of the people in my life but got confused. How would i know where to place these people; new friends, old friends, long long ago friends, teachers and more?

During TOK, i got the shock of my life. Once Patrick spoke, he spoke cynically. He asked, what is the use of wisdom? Why must we have wisdom? Isn't knowledge good enough? Wisdom is useless. He said that you cannot impart wisdom and thus it is useless. He also said that we would be more rational if we did not have emotions or ethics, and thus ethics hindered our progress as a nation. He said that the ideal world was a man eat man world, the survival of the fittest.

Would anyone ever survive in such a world? If everyone was attacking each other, would there still be love? Would there be procreation? Everyone would be too occupied with their basic necessities, and fighting with each other over food and water that nothing like a loving community would cross their minds. What is the point of the growth of a superior race when there is no love? As human beings, we thrive on love and validation of feelings. Is Patrick suggesting that a robotic world be better?

I feel that wisdom need not be "imparted". Wisdom is inside the one who has it. He needs not impart his knowledge or understanding to anyone for anyone to tell that he is wise. He needs not prove himself, because, through his actions, everyone can already tell that he is wise. We need wisdom to discern whats right and wrong. We need wisdom to live our lives fully. How can wisdom be a useless thing?

I had a double bass lesson today! Tim and Shil had prior experience of playing string instruments but i had none. So the teacher split us up into 2 groups, me being alone! They had their more "advanced" lesson first and i watched and listened. It seemed effortless to Tim who learnt the double bass before. Shil had some difficulties relaxing and getting accustomed to it. As for me, i think i did fairly well. But the bow was super heavy. In fact everything was heavy and big! It was too tall for me and the teacher had to shorten the stand for me! Tim laughed at me! My hand got tired after playing a few bars and the teacher told me to rest awhile after each song i played! Really fun though. We have to go back to the room and practice before our next lesson, so i would have to stay back some days when im free.

I was really tired on the way back. Slept on the mrt hugging my bag and holding Rui Rui. First time i could actually sleep this well on public transport!

2010-03-03T20:54:00.000+08:00

What a wonderful day! I cut a ribbon and put it in my hair! Love it!

Today we had Life Science Symposium talk. It was dead boring. I was nodding away when the Guest of Honor was giving his speech. Halfway through, it suddenly dawned on me that: Wait. THIS IS ONLY THE OPENING SPEECH! I was so bored, i also started wondering how they changed the lightbulbs on the high ceiling of Audi2.

During Chinese, we went to see the sea lion! It's really adorable. But everytime it got out of the pool, i felt worried that it would just dehydrate! It looks much more comfortable in water.

We then got back our Chinese essays. I can't believe it, i got highest in class! When i'm almost always bottom in SC or something! Maybe it truly is "tyco", as Tim puts it. Got this stringy candy from Mrs Teo and shared with BR and a few people.

My posts getting disjointed! Should start blogging in my head again!

Got more to write. Some not to be published, some too lazy to think of!

2010-03-02T19:22:00.003+08:00

I was getting on the bus at Dover MRT. And this is what the bus uncle hollered to the rest of the bus: "Hello hello! Can inside or not? If don't inside, how are the people going to inside?". What strange English.

Also, when we celebrated ZY's birthday at Sakae Sushi, YB told us that she liked guys who were tan and wore black specs. Today, immediately thought that she should go to Dover MRT every morning around 6.30-6.45am so that she can ogle at NS guys. HAHAHA!

A very tiring day. Everyday just passes by like a dream here. Time passes so quickly. I feel like i'm being swept away without knowing who or what or how. I feel like i need to get things organised! I try to be law abiding in this environment full of rule-breaking people. It is quite difficult to stick to the rules, since 1) i dont really know them and 2) no one seems to bother!

Only 2 twenty minute breaks today. I left my lunchbox in class and the door was locked, so i starved with BR for the first break. At least we got to eat during the next! There was every subject today, and my bag weighed a ton! Felt like i had stuffed a whole truck into my bag! or as if i were dragging a blue whale behind me.

After school, i went to City Hall and Dhoby Ghaut to buy scrapbook stuff. When i finally got home, i was very relieved to be free of the weight on my shoulders!

YX asked me, what are you holding on to? I felt it was a really good question to ponder over. I gave her my answer, but i knew i hadnt thought through it thoroughly. So what am i holding on to? There are more attachments that i have than i think i do. Attachments to certain people; friends, family etc. Attachments to things and material goods. Attachments to my reputation/face, concerned about what people think of me. Attachments to so many things. SF once told me that in Buddhism, there is such a thing as detachment. Where we feel detachment to the world, detachment to everything that we were not born with. Money, love (people/relationships), clothes, and even hair! Thats why buddhist monks shave their head, because they shouldn't be attached to their appearances.

I agree and disagree to a certain extent. How can we ever not be attached to anything? Or is that they teach LEARNING to be detached when something close to your heart is removed from your life? I think SF once told me too that when we get too attached to a certain thing, we tend to lose it easier. Why? Ah my thoughts are so disorganized. If we have no attachments, then what is our life about? Hmm so confused.

2010-03-01T20:14:00.002+08:00

What should i talk about today?

Founder's day was quite boring. Except the parts where the Philharmonic Orchestra played!

I hung RuiRui on my bag! It's just too cute. And soft.

Econs test is actually next week. What a scare!

2010-02-28T19:46:00.002+08:00

Ah i feel great! *beams*

Today i went running! Ran quite a lot. My sister is so pro, she can run as much and as fast as me! Though she didnt want to continue after we had a short break. I am proud of her! At P6 i was struggling with 1.6km. I should have joined a sport cca like her!

Can't wait for next weekend!

I wrote Nat Chia a letter, full of heartfelt words. After 4 years of knowing her, it only dawned on me recently that she, too, was finding a constant friend, and that she has been trying to reach out to me, but i never treasured her friendship enough. I'm sorry nat, i do know now. Looking back, i know i have confided in her and she has proven me right time and again. Why was i afraid of getting close to her? Maybe fears of being left alone again, or fears of people leaving my life. But i will have nothing to lose by trying now. I will treasure my friendship with her. :)

2010-02-28T12:32:00.004+08:00

I was reading Wong Ting Ee's article about opportunity cost which is applied in daily life. (It is such a bore!) I applied it to another part of life, which is about people commenting that "You are rich!" upon hearing you live in a private apartment or a bungalow. To such comments, people are usually either secretly happy but deny so, or genuinely irritated and show it. For those who are genuinely irritated, i have come up with a brilliant way of rebuting, though later i would elaborate further on why it might not be that brilliant after all.

A: What do you live in?
B: Private apartment
A: Woah! You rich person!
B: No lah, my parents bought the flat; there is also opportunity cost. We actually scrimp in other areas what!

This is true. Some people scrimp and save just to buy a huge flat, but end up with no car, or little clothes, and a horrible diet. (On instant noodles) Thus by buying a huge flat, you have incurred opportunity cost.

HOWEVER! This may also not be true, because in the first place, to buy a bungalow/private apartment, you would have to be sufficiently rich! And, you would want to analyze other aspects of your lifestyle in order to conclude if a person is rich. Additionally, you might want to define, what is considered rich?

BUT! I am working based on the assumption that 60-70% of the people engaged in this conversation would not bother to think too deeply about this issue. Thus the conversation would be as follows:

A: What do you live in?
B: Private apartment
A: Woah! You rich person!
B: No lah, my parents bought the flat; there is also opportunity cost. We actually scrimp in other areas what!
A: Whatever lah! Don't econs me!

Thus you have won your debate!

2010-02-28T08:48:00.004+08:00

Aye, every family is dysfunctional.

I know my mother is not feeling appreciated for the sacrifices she's been putting in for all of us. She spends money and time on us. She puts in the hard work so that our lives turn out well. Sometimes we are not grateful anough and are picky. It makes her feel invalidated, unappreciated.

But, the fundamental problem with this, is that there is little communication between family members. Little communication about our feelings and thoughts, to be specific.

If my mother had learnt how to express her needs and wants in a nice manner, and if we responded appropriately, there would be harmony. However, if my mother waited till she had built up enough resentment, and explodes all of a sudden, us children would bear the brunt of her anger. Instead of responding lovingly and learning to appreciate her love, we respond negatively and are hurt. Thus the cycle goes on.

What makes things more complicated is that this has been ingrained in the family for many years. What would it take to break the cycle? Who is going to take the first step?

I know i did try, but i feel disheartened. Much as i would like our family to be a closer one, i cannot do it by myself. My siblings do not understand such concepts. When you are young, you tend to be more self-centred. Even i am self-centred. My parents have never done this before; bare their heart out. Coming from rather traditional families, my parents rarely outwardly show love or express their feelings.

Aye, once my siblings grow up, and when i can join forces with my sister when i grow closer to her, i hope our family is more united! For now, i will just quietly do my part.

2010-02-27T21:50:00.003+08:00

Today is a happy day!

I saw SF in the morning and we talked. I was happy and loved.

Went for 6H reunion and got the shock of my life! One was about SC and the other was about LJ. LJ looked so different and lost so much weight! This was how it went:

*I join the group standing near Bishan mrt*
Everybody: Hi JingRui!
me: hello! :D
*looks around the group*
trix: you recognise all of them?
me: haha yea!
siying: remmeber me or not!
me: haha yes of course!
lijuan: me leh?
me: *stares blankly and recognises some familiar features but cannot say out who she is* omg, you look so different! *actually doesnt know who she is but speculates in her mind*

*walking to laoshi's house*

me: celeste! the girl behind us is lijuan is it?
celeste: yah! omg i also dont know you know! but i think so!
me: im scared of calling her wrongly! later not lijuan how?!
celeste: hahaha yah yah me also!

celeste is so cute! we also talked about how dumb we felt in class

me: you know everyone is secretly smart! (said this at least 10 times this week)
celeste: yah yah~! and you know everybody is running for council or in yds or some other debating kind of thing! everybody has opinions and will voice out!
me: yea but i dont see the point! so waste time right!
celeste: yah omg i thought i was the only one! i only have dance! i think like my leadership is like...

conversation continues and we finally feel assured in the same sinking boat... hahaha

More people came after that. Clarissa, huiping, JIAYUN, low jiayu and the pale looking jenna. i wonder what happened to her! Apparently they were making fun of Jiayun and her bf and had lots of fun! Ah i wish i had been there when it happened omg! Listening to trix talk about it is super amusing!!!

Aye, people do make me feel happy

2010-02-26T16:51:00.006+08:00

私の友達はとてもすごいいです! Mein Freund und Freundin sind sehr wunderbar!
Haha cool huh! applying my Jap and German.

Today i'd like to talk about friends. 2-3 friends in fact. Maybe even more.

Yesterday, on the way to school, i talked to Nat Chia. I've known her since secondary one. While i do not get to talk to her often, maybe only once in 3 months or longer, i still am able to have a heart to heart talk with her. It is always heart to heart talks which i like, because i get to understand my friends better and connect with them. We talked about SF, about herself and T. DeSilva, YB, and the guys in school. She shared a lot of her feelings, whether positive or negative. I felt close to her. We even talked about other friends whom we cannot talk about such things to, and we feel a sense of longing, because it is just so hard to find constants in our lives.

Today, i had a bus ride with Lynette and we went to Island creamery to have ice cream together. We sat and ate and talked a lot. We shared about what was happening in our lives; classes, people, guys, girls. We shared feelings and were honest with each other. Sometimes i feel that Lynette is really 单纯. It is a good thing because this makes her less likely to feel negative about anyone else. I do not get negative vibes from her, and she is a really good and decent girl. I like it that we talk about light topics and laugh about things together.

Another who is understanding and less likely to judge would be Gideon. I get a comfortable feeling when talking to him, because he is calm and he thinks about things. Yuanxiu can comfort me and is always willing to listen.

It is always such one to one talks that make me feel closer to a friend, and makes me feel happy. These people share similar thoughts and feelings, though as for beliefs and principles, i do not know yet. It is heartwarming.

I like people too who i can be comfortable around being silent. There are always times when i am quiet or thinking about things. Some people are comfortable with such silences. But it is not that they are only physically present. I can feel their emotional presence as well, as if we are enjoying silence together.

For people who make me laugh, likeTrix and library gang, Janell, Tim and Beaurhys, they make me feel better or distract me when i am down. These are also the people i go to when i feel like having fun.

I've been talking to Nat Tan lately, i havent seen her in eons. She too is one whom i can share feelings with. I hope i get to see her soon!

P6H reunion at Laoshi's house tomorrow! I hope celeste teo goes! Someone to be proud of ACS(I) with!

mulct\MULKT\ , noun;
1.A fine or penalty.transitive verb: 1.To punish for an offense or misdemeanor by imposing a fine or demanding a forfeiture.2.To obtain by fraud or deception.3.To defraud; to swindle.

Quote:
Officials repaid such loans by mulcting the public in a variety of legal and extra-legal ways

2010-02-25T17:06:00.014+08:00

Some people, *ahem*, namely Beaurhys, has told me that my posts are getting shorter and shorter. It is irrefutable, since the evidence is just there. But it is justified. After going through a bout of emotional turmoil i tend to numb myself! I also try to think less, and thus i am merely a shell of myself floating around in school. My brain is now full of cotton wool and air. However, today's post would be a long one, since i'd be typing out a whole story from TOK, and sharing some thoughts which i well, thought about!

Random stuff:

Mr Lim Tse Ren is flooding my emails with random information! He even sent an email just to remind the class to wear our scarves on Founder's day! I should have created a separate email account just for his emails.

And AHH! Weird people keep trying to add me on msn, with weird nicknames and weird email addresses! Im so grossed out! :( Of course i didnt add them, but they keep coming!

Searched "Double bass" on google and learnt a bit! watched videos on how to play hahaha. Ahh jon schmidt on youtube is fascinating.

I am so bored and lonely. Most of my friends are in dance so every dance day, im like bored, until SF comes online! This is a sign. But i am not heeding HAHAH!

Next:

First things first, i should share about my day. I saw Lynette during break today, but it was only for a short while. Gideon and i went to the library to read up on old History EE papers. It was a wasted trip, since we ended up just talking, and the papers were just too boring to be read. I took a look at the titles and had a feel of what should be written about. I wanted to write about how the German's invasion of Britain in WWII (maybe narrowing to London Blitz) affected the generation of children then. Speaking of which, i am amazed by Gid's wide vocabulary! I shall find something that i am better at than him. Probably singing? (haha inside joke)

Okay on to the main topic. Please be patient since it'll be long. But if you're not patient by nature... just keep scrolling down! First, on TOK.

The Parable of the Gardener

A brother and sister return to their family homme after a long absence. Nobody has lived there for years, but they go back for a holiday every now and then. In the garden they find, to their surprise, trhat among the weeds a few of the old plants are surprisingly vigorous. In fact, as the look at the other deserted gardens around them, theirs seems very different indeed. It seems almost planned and tended.

The brother says, "A gardener must have been coming and looking after these plants." But when they ask their neighbours, they find that none of them has ever seen anyone working in the garden. The brother says that the gardener must have worked while people slept, but the sister replies, "Why would he do that? Someone would have heard him and, besides, anybody who cared about the plants would have kept down these weeds." The brother looks around, sees how beautiful it is and says "But it is so lovely here! There is purpose and design in this garden. If we look carefully enough i am sure we will find evidence that the garden has been tended lovingly."

And so they examine the garden ever so carefully. It is a very big garden, and as they look they find that, while some of it is ever so beautiful, there are parts which seem untended, perhaps even ruined on purpose. The brother takes both parts as evidence of the gardener, but the sister remains unconvinced. "I am sure that this is just natural," she says. "We do not need a gardener to explain this."

The brother and sister sit up at night and watch the garden but no gardener is seen. "Perhaps he is an invisible gardener," says the brother. So they set up an electrical barbed wire fence. But no shrieks ever suggest that some intruder has received a shock. No movements of the wire ever betray an invisible climber.

The brother is still convinced. "There is a gardener," he maintains, "a gardener who is invisible, intangible, insensitive to electric shocks, a gardener who makes no sound, a gardener who comes secretly to look after the garden which he loves. Otherwise how do you explain why this garden is so different to the others?"

The sister replis, "I can't explain why it is so different, but just how does what you call an invisible, intangible, eternally elusive gardener differ from an imaginary gardener or even from no gardener at all?"

Consequently, after al this, when the brother says, "I still believe a gardener comes." and the sister says "I dont believe there is a gardener", their different words now reflect no difference as to what they have found in the garden and no difference as to what they would find in the garden if they look further.

Is there really much difference between the belief of the brother and the sister?

End of story.

At first, after reading it, i was a little confused, especially with all the questions at the back. But after reading it once more and picking out words such as "purpose" and "natural" and "i still believe" or "intangible" and "eternally elusive", i made links to God, and remember a story i read.

Answering Trix's question on "How to do philosophy if you are in a mission/religious school?!" Answer to that is... i dont know! In fact i didnt know if i wouldnt be offending anyone.

The story is somewhat similar to what i read in the book 101 Thought Experiments which SF recommended to me. We also discussed quite a lot about it.

Disclaimer: I am not against God or Christianity or whatever! I'm just thinking about it. Please do not stone me to death!

Some people believe that God made us for a purpose and that God has a plan for all of us. In other words, our lives could be predestined by God, and things and events are controlled by God's will. They call it Fate or Destiny. Some other people believe that there is no such thing as God, and everything that happens is random and by chance.

However we cannot see, hear, feel, smell or taste God, so how do we know he is there? Why must God hide from us if he is here to help us, or if he is our creator? Why does God still put suffering people in our midst and create poverty in the world? If everything has a purpose, then what is the purpose of having widespread poverty, illnesses and people with vices in the world? If God put them there just to teach them or others a lesson that we should be thankful/be healthy/be free of sins, then why those people?

It also touches on the topic on faith. Why do people believe there's a God even though they have no evidence of him? etc

I started searching online about it. There's actually a whole pool of stuff on it!

Anyway, something out-of-the-ordinary (extraordinary) happened today. I actually spoke up in class, after making all those links to God in the story. I wonder if it will be the third time that teachers write in my report book/testimonial that "Jing Rui is a soft spoken student." Haha!

I can't be bothered to type out my other thoughts. It is too time consuming and lengthy. I shall post more when i've got some motivation.

2010-02-24T20:58:00.003+08:00

Pretty normal day. I've not been blogging in my head these few days. So i've got nothing to comment about!

Went to library with Gid and Tim Goh (correct surname?) to research on History EE. Was quite fruitful for me, or at least, its way better than nothing!

Aye, what to write? I need my prolific-ness to come back.

Anyway, the forgotten word of the day:

arcanum\ar-KAY-nuhm\ , noun;
plural arcana \-nuh\
1.A secret; a mystery.2.Specialized or mysterious knowledge, language, or information that is not accessible to the average person (generally used in the plural).

Through the years, Usenet evolved into an international forum on thousands of topics, called Usenet news groups, from the arcana of programming languages to European travel tips.
-- Katie Hafner, "James T. Ellis, 45, a Developer of Internet Discussion Network, Is Dead", New York Times, July 1, 2001

2010-02-23T22:32:00.003+08:00

Gideon talked to me today about my colors, synesthesia.

G: Is it true that you have synesthe.. i don't know how to pronounce it. You joined the group on facebook
JR: Yea! I have it! Do you have it too?
G: No, but i think its really cool!
JR: *tells him a load more about it*
G: Wow thats really cool. *thumbs up sign and a smile*

Finally someone in this school who isnt skeptical and finds it fascinating like i do.

Ah, a ton of homework. Wong Ting Ee is pushing us already! BR! He is definitely not blur or lousy! Too good in fact.

BR came in during break today to talk. David going to be in my group for Chinese group oral, together with SC whom i've invited. I hope she appreciates my invite! Sometimes i hear people making fun of her :( I understand why, but i dont feel that negatively about her at all!

2010-02-22T18:35:00.003+08:00

Whatever profanities hurled, whatever hatred and anger expressed, i just felt like i was hated, despicable, like a criminal.

I tell YX because she seems to be the only one with sufficient emotional depth to handle my emotions. More tears roll but it cannot be helped.

***

Toda was a rather okay day. Had lessons. Had recess. Took height and weight. The usual.

Bussed to the mrt station with Tim and his friend. Aye, Lynette had more convenient modes of transportation! Tim and i were going opposite directions, so i MRT-ed back with Gabriel and David from my class. We chatted.

Lynette gave me 2 flower clips which she made herself! They are really pretty. She said its because she noticed i like having flowers in my hair! :) so sweet of her

Seeing the RC gang tomorrow, i cant wait to see everyone in their new uniforms! I have bought a card for ZY. I also bought one for Angie, my new maid. She once asked me where to go to buy a card, since her daughters birthday is coming up. I told her every shopping mall should have. But she never got to buy it. On the day she sent money back to Philippines, she seemed disappointed. Her family is barely surviving, and their rice has run out. When i asked about the card today she told me it was okay. So i just bought one for her today. She was very touched, and hugged me twice, with tears glistening in her eyes.

Shall work on the scrapbook page now. Will post on facebook and tag when its done. Sigh old things made into new things.

2010-02-21T19:43:00.002+08:00

Something funny to share! Its like in my mom's MBA textbook! Okay i dont know why i happened to read it but...

Microsoft corporation stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would be driving $25 cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to this, GM issued a press release stating: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1) for no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day
2) everytime they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car
3) occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4) occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to start, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

And the list goes on! But the rest arent that funny haha! omg!

2010-02-21T10:21:00.007+08:00

I dreamt that i brought you to see my OG mates. But, they were unaccepting. One of them looked at me, bewildered. You tried to be yourself but you couldn't. You were serious at times, and at others, you were not. When you left, they whispered to me, asking me why? I was stunned, surprised by their reaction. Why can't anyone accept it? After which, one of them OG mates were injured, and my dad was supporting the OG mate by the car. You were standing a distance away, watching, concerned but not helping. I gave a worried expression, and rushed to support my OG mate. You then looked at me, betrayal written on your face. The scene disappeared, and the dreamscape vanished. What does this mean? Where does my heart lie?

I received a text message from YX last night, which i only noticed this morning when i woke up. I am so grateful to have her. She asks at the right time. I want to reciprocate this for her. But everytime, i am afraid that i would make things worse for them. Should i be firm from the start and stop them from doing things when i sense something wrong? Or should i just gently warn them, hope they heed it, but even if they don't support them until they fall, and cushion the blow for them? What is the right thing to do?

Whatever that happens now, i will love myself. Make myself feel happy everyday. Dress nicely. Listen to music. Do homework. Organise my life. We've been on a roller coaster ride. Through the ups and downs, the turns and bends. But we are now at the last downward slope of the ride, and it will be almost now that we get off the carriage and move on..

My sister did not want to practice her violin today. Since the double bass strings should be the same as the violin's i told her maybe i can learn something from her and refresh my memory on which string is what note. Hopefully i would also get her excited to practice the violin. A big assumption, i have such a huge ego! Well it worked. I played a few songs, like Twinkl Twinkle Little Stars, Song of the Wind, and Long Long Ago. Very elementary songs. Then i let her practice.

Meeting Trix later for her shopping spree! Parents invited her to join us for lunch! We're going to have Korean BBQ! But i just had breakfast and i dont feel like eating much =/ Will be updating this post later about todays events.

/edit

We had lunch at Ju Shin Jung Korean BBQ Restaurant at East Coast~! Ate till i was very full. Trix ate lots of the things which i didnt like, because Korean food is weird; sour and yet spicy, and some are cold! But applaud her for her... adventurous streak.

Went to everywhere to buy things. She bought lots! Shoes from Cotton on, shirt from Pull and bear, shorts and another shirt from Giordano! More stuff from Kino and Artfriend. Wow haha! I wish i had money now. But i also bought denim shorts from Pull and bear, my first ever denim shorts. I hardly find any that i feel comfortable in, i like baggy shorts that dont cling to my thigh! Those kind of shorts are egregious! Super uncomfortable. So im pretty happy with my buy. Went into Zara but nothing nice which i fancy there.

Trix thought there was a Pull and bear in Wisma, but there is none! We had a "major" argument about it and Audrey, who spposedly brought her to the Wisma P&B said that there was none in Wisma! HAHAHAH! Our route in Orchard was very messed up because we had to budget and make sure Trix did not spend too much. But she ended up spending more than she should have anyway! Saw 2 people who wore shirts from the place where i bought my bag, Callate la Boca! The shirts are super expensive i was shocked anyone would buy it! One tank top is already $69!

Trix bought a mag from Kino and we did some quizzes about guys and relationships, which all did not make sense. One of them said that i should get a tyrannical boyfriend (?!?!?!) and trix should get a mature one. Apparently it works this way: we get the opposite of ourselves. -_- Another quiz said that i would have very few ex-boyfriends because i will be loyal etc. -_- Another said that my love luck is down this year. Aye. I had fun laughing at the quizzes.

Printed photos at Toa payoh before returning home. One day i will print our OG photos and make a scrapbook page in the book that Trix gave me :)

Word of the day!
bombast\BOM-bast\ , noun;
1.Pompous or pretentious speech or writing.

He especially loved pro wrestling shows, where he learned the importance of bombast, and how to immobilize a larger opponent.
-- John Brady, Bad Boy: The Life and Politics of Lee Atwater

2010-02-20T20:34:00.006+08:00

Went to the library to do homework today! It was quite effective, i annotated both poems and did my other English homework, as well as read some Siddhartha! I also did reflections for CAS! Wow so productive!

I even learnt a few new words:
Salient - important; salient issues
Penitent - stubborn
Ascetic - people who are free of wants (from Siddhartha!)
Oh no i forgot the last word but i know it starts with R :(

Today my sister was having her vioin lesson. She was teary eyed before going in. And she came out crying. Her teacher for technique class is a teacher who criticizes or points her mistakes out straightforwardly, and she is not accepting of criticism. Seeing her cry and full of anger, i felt sad for her, yet also frustrated with her and her teacher. Frustrated because she has to lern, and also frustrated because the teacher is heartless, and even rushed her out of class when she cried! But my sister has to learn to accept criticism as well. I put my arm around her and she softened a bit. She once also passed me tissue wordlessly when i was crying at night a few days ago. She's so sweet.

I saw a very sweet elderly couple today. They were very cute. Despite their age, they went out for dinner on a date together at Thai Express, where my family was having dinner. They were chatting and joking with each other happily, freely. The elderly man was talking about their food, sharing his wisdom on how it might be made, as if he were a gastronome! I loved their chemistry, i would want my marriage to be as sweet and blissful.

Which reminds me of my cousins. 3 of them are brothers. The eldest brother got married about a year ago, but divorced within less than 2 months! And now, he already has a new girlfriend! I find it shocking that he could get over her so quickly. I hope its not a rebound. The youngest son has got a girlfriend as well, im guessing his first girlfriend. They both brought their girlfriends over for CNY to my grandma's place. Which is shocking as well, because... well.. so quickly and you introduce them to your family already? What is more shocking is that the youngest son's girlfriend makes him carry her handbag for her! I dont like seeing that! Anyway, im not against them and their relationships, i hope they do work out.

Audrey J told me something funny at the library today. She told me that her friend in ACJC is very fat. He used to weigh 150kg and now he is "only 100kg" in his words! The funnier thing is that he is vegetarian! I was amused yet also not very surprised. I know that Indian food is quite fattening, especially dhal and wheat products, like roti prata etc. They also replace protein by consuming dairy products! Its just that i find it hard to believe how much veggie he has to eat to be of that weight!

Speaking of which, Angie (new maid) told me today when i was changing that i am not fat, not skinny, just nice, so i cannot put on weight! Oh no! I feel pressurized.

Word of the day:
egregious\ih-GREE-juhs\ , adjective;
1.Conspicuously and outrageously bad or reprehensible.

As far as we're concerned, the most egregious fouls committed during Sunday's Super Bowl will involve tortilla chips and melted cheese.
-- Bonnie S. Benwick and Joe Yonan, "Super Bowl smackdown: Nachos vs. nachos", Washington Post, February 3, 2010

2010-02-19T19:16:00.010+08:00

OMG GOING TO THE LIBRARY TMR! IM EXCITED! Going earlier than the rest, from morning onwards to finish my homework first! They are only meeting at one! I think i should go alone at 9 then do.

Lessons started proper today! I got lost for one of the lessons, but luckily Mr Wong was lenient on me! Sat next to this guy called Andrew from 5.15, who was pretty nice i guess. The Founders Day rehearsal was quite boring.

Sat with the OG for break today! I was quite happy, and i actually laughed! haha. except when BR teased. Grr!

hmm i forgot what i wanted to blog about. Nothing seems very noteworthy! Oh yea i realised today that i am actually such a lucky girl! I still keep in touch with my pri sch bestfriend, our P6H class, Miss Jane, Mdm Tng, Mr lee etc, and my sec sch friends! Christie says she misses miss jane and in pri sch she used to like her alot! She was very envious when she heard i just met her for lunch and that our class till met up! We talked a lot about RGPS.

I saw the Philharmonic Orchestra perform today! I am so joining it! I hope the Yr5 and Yr6 one is better. The double bass is really huge! I can't wait. Tim is inclined towards cello! Everyone seems to know Shil! I asked David why everybody knew Shil and he just said, because he is Shil! Peter said he found Shil creepy cos he stalks you on facebook, which i agree, but i just thought he liked commenting on people's things, that all! I find him a nice guy. Also, everyone i talk to knows BR! Why? So popular? Somehow lots of people i talk to are in dance!

I also finally got to know who is David Ong today. He came in late for Founder's Day rehearsal and i heard Peter say Hello David, so i went oh so that's david, in my mind. Talked to him briefly and told him about BR but he didnt really get it and asked what did BR say about him. It was a short exchange. Until after school he caught up with me and we chatted briefly yet again, before eating, and before i left with Lynette.

Speaking of which, i am now again privy to people's "inner worlds" and sometimes i dont know what is appropriate to say! I hope i do not make things worse/awkward for people! But i should also refrain from duplicity

WORD OF THE DAY:
gastronome\GAS-truh-nohm\ , noun;
1.A connoisseur of good food and drink.

Even though Paris was then considered the culinary capital of Europe, the food at the Cercle was so highly revered that many well-known gastronomes regularly made the trip to Lyon to eat there.
-- Daniel Rogov, "Three culinary tales for Hanukka", Jerusalem Post, December 6, 1996

2010-02-18T17:58:00.008+08:00

Oh my. BR wont be in my econs class! He called me out of class and told me the saddening news. WHY? Why is the school so rigid. Sigh! They might as well abolish the whole appealing system! This is unacceptable! I am so sad! But BR doesn't seem very affected! Fine lah! Got better teachers! Aye, but it is quite true, though i still think Mr Wong is rather okay as well. I am just selfish! It is just destined that i wont have any lessons with any OG mates :( oh but there's Grace in my Physics class, and i'll see Tim and Shil in Philharmonic, yay!

Omg Joshua made a video of picture of the OG! It is so sweet! Though in some pictures i look weird. Lucky i was bending down when Yixin was carrying me during the newspaper game.

Today i was not being my usual "guai" self. I talked a bit during assembly, because i wanted to make new friends. Unfortunately, the CT of the class made me sit next to her after she caught me talking. I didn't really feel guilty or ashamed for the first time! In fact, she was very nice. She whispered to me that if she did not stop me, the Year Head would call me to stand, which is even more embarrassing! I was grateful and whispered back Thank You! After awhile she asked me if i wanted to go back but i declined. I didnt see the need to move, since i wasnt uncomfortable next to her, and since if i stood up, everybody would stare at me!

Today on the mrt i saw the Pull-ups Guy again. He sat at the same old seat, and i already predicted he would do pull ups at the City Hall stop. I tried not to give an acerbic expression. People of routine, constant people, are good and admirable, but constantly irritating people are not! Now i am considering changing my routine so my day wouldnt start off negative anymore!

Speaking of which, i was in a trance-like, hypnogogic state for the most of today. I was so sleepy and blur. My class is boring and they dont joke much! I kept getting lost and had to follow PIK and JB, the exact people BR warned me about, to my class! Every class i am in, they are in too! How? Lucky im quiet and they dont talk much to me. But for the first few periods PIK kept calling my name and talking to me. After awhile he figured i was boring and kind of stopped haha!

I notice that the people in class have a lackadaisical attitude towards work. I wonder how lessons are ever going to start proper! I am worried about my teachers, because for History, i got Liu Guo Yi, which is a super boring guy! And my econs teacher isnt really the best. But well with my *ahem* apparent geniusness i am determined to do well. Anyway i looked through the book likst and was super delighted! I already read the entire history book before! It's the one i borrowed from Nicholas to read as a storybook! He was more than just appalled haha!

I was reading through Siddhartha and i couldnt understand a single thing. In order to write such weird and abstract stuff, i was thinking that the author must have gone through this before, if not it would be impossible to write it so "comprehensively". I flipped to the introduction and it confirmed my beliefs! "'The Way Within" - the road into the interior if the self - describes precisely Hesse's path that led to the core of Siddhartha"! Sigh but nvm, i still dont get the whole point of the book. :( It is such esoteric content. I gave up halfway. Is it okay to just read as the teacher goes through it??

I feel so boastful in this entry, i shall try to tone it down a bit.

Went back to SC to see Mrs Hee but again she is not there! I passed her card to her daughter, as well as a note. I hope i get to see her tomorrow!

Word of the day!:

duplicity\doo-PLIS-i-tee, dyoo-\ , noun;
1.Deliberate deceptiveness in behavior or speech; also, an instance of deliberate deceptiveness; double-dealing.2.The quality or state of being twofold or double.

It didn't occur to him that Laura might have had an ulterior motive in seeking him out. Laura had a direct gaze, such blankly open eyes, such a pure, rounded forehead, that few ever suspected her of duplicity.
-- Margaret Atwood, The Blind Assassin

Haha how cool huh! I already used yesterday's word of the day in this post! I hope people who have read it have already noticed!

School textbooks are super expensive! Cost over $500 in total! :( take scholarship also like no use.

2010-02-17T22:59:00.003+08:00

After coming into ACS(I) i have picked up new vocabulary. I now use words such as "noob", "buff", "chio", "gg" (not so much, i normally use "die already"), "own"/"ownage", "pwn"/"pwnage" and... "imba"! Imba actually means imbalance, which is stated online, but how come everyone uses it as "super good"?

I was thinking about why i wanted so much to be a journalist. A lowly journalist, who speaks for others more than for herself. I guess it is because i want to be a voice for those who are unheard. Ill-treated foreign workers, abused maids, abandoned children, people who are suffering inside who are afraid of voicing it out. I will be their voice instead, and hopefully, kind souls who read it would reach out to them as well and help them. Perhaps some might say that doing this through such media, the newspaper, isn't effective at all. But i have heard of stories of people who donate and help just because they read the papers. Maybe it is not the most effective way, but i will still be helping. However, does effectiveness count in my passion for what i do? Or does my heart in it make it what matters? Can i change the way things are, change how people respond when they read about such incidents by putting my heart into it?

*snaps out of dreamlike state*

Anyway, before i rush off the com, the word of the day!

hypnagogic\hip-nuh-GOJ-ik; -GOH-jik\ , adjective;
1.Of, pertaining to, or occurring in the state of drowsiness preceding sleep

His uncensored and uncensoring subconscious allows him to absorb the world around him and in him, and to spit it out almost undigested, as if he were walking around in a constant hypnagogic state.
-- Susan Bolotin, "Don't Turn Your Back on This Book", New York Times, June 9, 1985

Omg how cool a word is that! HYPNOGOGIC STATE! I foresee myself uing it in this blog fairly often!

2010-02-16T23:44:00.003+08:00

Tim and i had this way funny conversation! I dont know if it will be funny to the general population, but since it is uber funny to me, i shall paste it in this blog. Maybe it will also chase off the emo-ness this blog is containing as well!

JingRui says:
hahaha u and ur imaginary philosophers again!
someone is schizophrenic
Timothy says:
and someone's flaunting her hl el a1 in front of me
think she oughts to be taught a lesson asap
JingRui says:
hahaha its not hl english! it is a mental illness where you hear voices in your mind
hahah
Timothy says:
kkk
forget it
i win
ROFL
JingRui says:
no hahahah! the person with hl eng wins
i own u in vocab hahahah! yayy
Timothy says:
i'm just afraid you'll be astonished when i decide to even give you a hint of my **** vocab.
unlimited would be the word i say.
lol
JingRui says:
unlimited? how do you explain your ignorance of the word "schizophrenic" i mentioned earlier? lolol
Timothy says:
i knew you didnt know i knew the word. what ignorance displayed by one of such poor level of vocab.
JingRui says:
still it does not change the fact that you didnt know the word!
hahahahah
(getting confusin)
Timothy says:
the fact lies where you DIDNT know that i DID know the word in simple terms.
JingRui says:
hmm by doing so you have downplayed your "geniusness". it is no wonder people do not regard you as the "genius" you so claim to be!
Timothy says:
okayyy
i think you should just surrender now.
cause its quite obvious that i've won the debate
(:
hahahaha
JingRui says:
what! on no basis have u won! hahahaha
Timothy says:
floccinaucinihilipilification
my vocab just owned someone's!! oh no!
JingRui says:
HAHAHA LONGEST WORD IN ENGLISH?? WHAT THE HECK! hahahha but u nvr use it in context
sorry ur usage doesnt show any understanding or concept at all
Timothy says:
fyi
it was just to show you exposure
HAHAHA
JingRui says:
HAHAHAH WHAT IS THIS!
Timothy says:
this is a word used by humans to refer to sth they are referring to
for eg'
this is a decent example of Timothy typing to a noob
JingRui says:
Methionylthreonylthreonylglutaminylarginyl...isoleucine 189,819 letters
i will give u true understanding of a cheem word!

Example of usage:
Methionylthreonylthreonylglutaminylarginyl...isoleucine is the largest known protein in the world!

HAHAHA OMG can i pasteparts of this convo (about the ownage in english parts) on my blog! HAHAHAHHAAH
Timothy says:
after careful considerations
i've come to the conclusion
JingRui says:
-_-
lame
doesnt tell me anything HAHAHHAHA
Timothy says:
you lie
JingRui says:
HAHAHA I DID NOT
hahahaahha omg damn funny

LAUGHING LIKE MAD!

2010-02-16T11:01:00.002+08:00

Today's Word of the Day!

vivify\VIV-uh-fy\ , transitive verb;
1.To endue with life; to make alive; to animate.
2.To make more lively or intense.

Example for usage:
Can the writer isolate and vivify all in experience that most deeply engages our intellects and our hearts?
-- Annie Dillard, "Write Till You Drop", New York Times, May 28, 1989

Haha i think this word is pretty simple and i know its meaning already. I was hoping for something more interesting! I shall get another Word of the Day so i will actually learn more.

quietus\kwy-EE-tuhs\ , noun;
1.Final discharge or acquittance, as from debt or obligation.
2.Removal from activity; rest; death.
3.Something that serves to suppress or quiet.

Example for usage:
It was after eleven when Fanning put the quietus to his day, retreating to the "Hospitality Suite" where he'd been hanging his hat these past weeks.
-- David Long, The Daughters of Simon Lamoreaux

Wow i know right! I dont think we'll ever use this much in real life, but imagine if you could use it! BOOMZ! lol.

2010-02-16T10:49:00.003+08:00

Suddenly i find myself feeling comforted, full of warmth from friends. It may only be a few friends, but they are enough to hearten me. YX asks if i am okay, and is willing to listen to me. I am so touched by this gesture. Trix makes me laugh all the time, and lifts my spirits. BR is willing to be here for me as well. LY is also siding me in a way.

I am so thankful to have my friends around me, who give me support. I can't really describe how i am feeling now. Just touched. Very touched.

2010-02-15T21:41:00.005+08:00

I am living in a vacuum, in the centre of a spinning vortex, with everything meshed up and surrounding me, but i am numb. I cannot feel, even if i want to. I cannot think or recall anything even if i tried. But somehow, my body's machanisms function so properly. I carry out conversations as per normal. I look as i usually do. Only i know whats going on inside me.

I will have to learn to be a more responsible being now. I have to learn, for my future. I will have to learn eventually. I can still have fun or joke, but i have to be serious at times. I have to take things and people seriously and look after myself. I need to be considerate to others.

I will emerge stronger than before and prepare myself for whatever that comes next. I somehow lack faith, i am afraid. But i will have to face it.

I dont even have a plan right now. I have to recover and find my way.

I am afraid of confiding in people. I do not know who to confide in. I feel like i am adding burden to their shoulders. I am afraid that i would also be too dependent on them, and when they cannot handle my fears anymore, they wash me away and i will be hurt once more. I feel alone. Does everyone feel this way?

I searched the song online on youtube and listened to it.

空缺

当你关上了门离开这个房间
关上了仅有的光线只剩想念
我还感受到温柔的幻觉
月亮的背面写满了我们的细节

我的回忆种满你曾对我说过的预言
开成了一座遗憾的花园
也许一天在挤满行人的那一条街
你才会发现我留下的空缺

就当作我们不熟练不够周全
就当作我们追不上彼此改变
我以为能完美写下句点
时间在后面遥控了所有的情节

我的回忆种满你曾对我说过的预言
开成了一座遗憾的花园
也许一天在挤满行人的那一条街
你才会发现我留下的空缺

幸福需要的磨练我们都误解成搁浅
活在想象的明天忘了今天未完结

我的回忆种满你曾对我说过的预言
开成了一座遗憾的花园
也许一天在挤满行人的那一条街
你才会发现我留下的空缺

我的回忆种满你曾对我说过的预言
开成了一座遗憾的花园
也许一天在挤满行人的那一条街
你才会发现我留下的空缺
没有人能完全填补的空缺

Thank you for everything

2010-02-15T10:43:00.002+08:00

What kind or person should i be?

I know there are two very different sides of me.

1) The more mature side
People in school rarely see this side of me, especially now in ACS(I), since work has yet to start, and issues have yet to pour in. This side of me is a huge worrybag, which most people my age cannot relate to. I worry about everything, and think very long about everything to weigh everything out properly. I have deep feelings which people around me do not understand. I find it hard to find people in my inner circle who understand my thoughts and feelings, only SF does. I talk about more issues which people don't usually think about, i like getting advice from people older than me. I relate better to people way older than me, because i understand them to a certain extent, and they understand me. The downside to this is that people around my age, which is majority of my friends, dont understand this side of me, and i get few people who are privy to my inner world. This is why i feel so lonely at times. I dont go crazy over guys like some girls do, i dont go high over Korean concerts or dramas. I dont know what i can use to relate to friends my age sometimes. I want a mature life, to live it fully.

2) The childlike side
People in school see more of this side of me. I like having fun, joking around. I need people who are not serious all the time. I am happy over the littlest things. I do not worry as much and may even be irresponsible and indecisive. I can be irrational and emotional, not thinking of consequences. Am i childlike because i am conforming to the people around me? Or is it also my innate personality? I do not know. I dont know which is the true me. I dont want a life always full of responsibilities, to worry all the time. Yet my mature side wants this.

I am having this identity crisis mainly because i do not have people who understand me who can be my constants. I know my true self comes out when i find more mature people who can relate to me. But such mature people cannot relate to me when i am childlike. i really do not know.

Which should i be? There is always a price to pay. Eventually i will have to grow up. Should it start now? Should i pay the price now and benefit in the long run? Why should short term benefits attract me so much?